


Breathe For Me, Love

by NightHeda



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Artist Clarke, Clarke is the usual bitch but she has her reasons, F/F, I also suck at Summaries, I suck at finding tags, Lexa is actually a dork, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Might contain triggers, References to songs, Sad Clarke, Sad Lexa, Shy Lexa (The 100), and adorable, clexa au, psychiatric hospital, rockstar lexa, singer lexa, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-01-15 16:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 29,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12324339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightHeda/pseuds/NightHeda
Summary: Clarke is a patient in a psychiatric hospital and never in a million years would she have expected to meet the famous rockstar Lexa Woods there. And she isn't excited, either.Or so she thought.(Rated M, just in case.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey and hello!
> 
> As some of you might know, I've recently completed a very well received story, and to cope with the hole that finishing it left in my heart/brain, I started writing this one here. ;D  
> I wasn't even planning on throwing it out into the fanfic universe at first, but then I thought _Why not?_ … I'll try to update once a week, probably on Mondays :) 
> 
> Please note that never, in no way, it's my intention to offend or hurt anyone. Same goes for this story. 
> 
> As always, feel free to leave comments or kudos, or even come say Hi on _[instagram.](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas)_ :)

Clarke slowly woke from her nap to a tickling feeling behind her ear. She groaned and waved her hand around her ear in order to shoo away the fly or bee or whatever insect it was that disturbed her peaceful slumber. When it was gone, she let out a content sigh and slumped down further on the bench.

A moment later, the tickling was back. With an irritated huff, she shifted into a sitting position and opened her eyes.

“Finally!” Her friend grinned down at her when she realized Clarke was actually awake now.

“You better be dying, Rae.” Clarke mumbled and closed her eyes again. A second later, the tickling was back and Clarke's hand shot up to grasp Raven's hand before she could tickle her any further with the blade of grass.

“I am!” Raven exclaimed seriously and Clarke's eyes shot open again as she was visibly worried now. “Well, kinda.” Raven grinned and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Clarke, I need your brain to wake _up_! C'mon!” The brunette whined and tugged at Clarke's sleeve. “Haven't you heard the news?”

Clarke huffed in annoyance when she realized that her nap time was officially over now. She stretched her sleepy limbs and gestured for Raven to sit down next to her. Her friend shook her head.

“I can't sit, I'm too excited! …” she paused and furrowed her brows. “Actually, I think I might die indeed.”

“Raven, what is it?” Clarke sighed. 

“Lexa Woods is coming to Polis!”

For the umpteenth time in five minutes, the blonde rolled her eyes. Of course Raven would freak out about that. “Cool.” She said dryly and got up to go back to the hospital. She had heard some rumors but she couldn't say she was interested, really. Of course, it didn't happen too often, or never actually, that a celebrity joined them, but Clarke wouldn't have minded if it had been someone, anyone, else instead.

Not that she hated the rockstar who tended to have a rather spectacular and adventurous life, constantly getting into trouble for alcohol abuse, speeding or scandalous hook–ups, but she wasn't exactly excited to meet the arrogant singer either.

“What do you think got her polised?” Raven asked while she bounced along next to Clarke on their way to the building. Clarke shook her head about her overly excited friend. She couldn't care less.

“I bet it's gambling,” the other woman continued, “or maybe she slams meth?”

Clarke slowly released her breath, trying to stay calm and not lose it right here and now. Raven kept rambling all the way and up to the dining hall and Clarke sighed in relief when she saw that the doors were already open.

They sat down at a table next to their friends and Clarke, again, sighed in defeat when she realized that Monty and Jasper were talking about, surprise, Lexa Woods. She really didn't understand why everyone was fussing over this, even before the rockstar was even there. They would meet her soon enough anyway.

 

***

 

As Clarke found out, _soon enough_ meant the next day. She was on her way to the group session when two younger girls stormed past her, excitedly talking about how Lexa Woods would join the group therapy at 9:30, and she was afraid they would pass out before they even met her.

It turned out they didn't, and they were currently waiting for the woman in front of the room. With an annoyed huff, Clarke squeezed past them and entered the room. She bit the inside of her cheek to contain an amused snort because apparently, the girls hadn't considered the fact that the room had two doors, and Lexa was already inside.

She slumped down on her usual chair from where she had a perfect view on the brunette. She figured Lexa was used to being watched, but she didn't want to give the rockstar this satisfaction, so she led her gaze to the therapist instead and hoped she would start the session soon.

The blonde rolled her eyes when Doctor Lorelei Tsing encouraged Lexa to introduce herself.

However, she raised her head and finally looked at Lexa Woods when she spoke, because her voice was nothing like Clarke had expected. It was soft, and Clarke swore she could hear it slightly shaking. She took a moment to study the brunette on the opposite side of the circle, and she furrowed her brows at the sight.

She would have expected Lexa to slouch in her chair, one ankle resting on the other knee, arms crossed. Pretty much the way she herself was sitting right now. But Lexa's spine was straightened, her shoulders however slightly curved forward. Her legs were crossed, her hands folded between them.

Clarke's eyes wandered up to the woman's face. She knew Lexa was a ravishing beauty, but seeing her in person was something else completely. She looked nothing like the aggressive and provocative singer with more than enough piercings in her ears and dark make–up around her eyes. She looked more like the girl next door, and Clarke almost felt sorry when she noticed a flash of sadness in the woman's eyes. Almost.

“Well…” the woman said quietly and shrugged, “I'm Lexa.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” Murphy snorted next to Clarke and before she knew what she was doing, she poked him in the ribs. Lexa ignored the comment and looked at the therapist, uncertain how to continue.

Doctor Tsing nodded and addressed someone else to start the actual session, giving Lexa some time to adjust to the situation.

The 45 minutes went by much faster than Clarke could have hoped.

 

***

 

“Okay Clarke, spill it!” Raven said excitedly while she plopped down across from Clarke and shoved her lunch tray to the side to lean on her forearms on the table to be closer to Clarke. “How was it?”

Clarke didn't bother to look up from her lunch, but her hand paused shoving her food around on the plate for a moment. “Uh… I don't know actually.”

“Well how was she?” Raven pressed impatiently.

“She… seemed a bit off, kinda…” Clarke furrowed her brows as she recalled the group therapy, “but not aggressive or annoyed, you know?”

She finally looked at Raven who was staring at her expectantly. When her friend remained silent, she slowly continued.

“To be honest, I don't know how to describe it. She just looked… shy.” She shook her head. “No, not shy. Maybe…” she paused when a word popped up in her mind. _Broken._ She shook her head again, she wasn't going to assume things, so she kept that word to herself. “I think she'll just need time to… get used to this place.” She finished, gesturing around.

Raven waited for a moment but when she realized that Clarke wouldn't say anything else, she reached for her meal tray in disappointment and started to eat, while Clarke put her fork down, not feeling hungry anymore. Maybe Lexa Woods wasn't the narcissistic bitch that Clarke had thought she was. Maybe, she was just a normal girl after all. But then again, Clarke sucked at reading people, and only because the woman was pretty, didn't mean she was nice. And Clarke wasn't eager to find out, either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well too bad, Clarke, you're both stuck in there now.  
> I'm curious, what are your opinions? :)


	2. Chapter 2

The afternoon was unspectacular. In her individual therapy, Clarke spoke about her day, about how she was annoyed that everyone was gushing over Lexa, and about how she didn't know what was so special about her, apart from the fact that she was a famous rockstar.

She made her way to the dining hall and quickly scanned the room, relieved that the celebrity was nowhere to be seen. Yet.

“… almost looked at me!” She heard Monty say when she sat down.

“Guys, seriously, can we please not talk about her? Like, just for a minute?” She grumbled, trying not to break a nose, or two. Her friends reluctantly agreed, knowing too well not to upset the blonde. However, Jasper couldn't stop himself from excitedly nodding his head at something behind Clarke, motioning for Monty and Raven to turn around.

Clarke rolled her eyes and quietly started eating, enjoying the peace of the silent moment, before her friends wouldn't be able to hold back any longer. It didn't even take them a full minute to get back to the topic.

Clarke zoned out, not listening to the others, and finished her dinner. Or the few bites that she considered a full meal. She pushed the tray away a few inches and raised her head, and looked right at Lexa who was sitting on the other side of the hall.

Slightly tilting her head to the side, Clarke studied the woman, and she couldn't help but feel a small pang of guilt, or something else, when she realized that Lexa was sitting all by herself, her head lowered, shoving the food around on her plate as well. Apparently, people were too scared to approach her, and for a second, Clarke caught herself feeling sorry for her. But only for a second.

After another long moment of wondering how Lexa had ended up in Polis, the blonde got up, waved her friends Goodbye, went to get her medicine, and then made her way to the small library, which was basically just one room with a few book shelves and a couch.

With a book she had randomly picked out, she plopped down on the sofa and opened the first page. Her eyes lazily ran over the words but if anyone asked what the paragraphs said, she wouldn't be able to answer. Her mind kept wandering back to Lexa and how she had been sitting all alone in the dining hall. She shook her head to clear it, not wanting to actually spend her free time thinking about the celebrity, and focused back on the book in her lap.

Just when she was concentrated enough to actually remember what she was reading, someone opened the door. Clarke rolled her eyes and looked up, and rolled her eyes once again when she realized who the person was that was disturbing her peace. Of course, it would be the one and only Lexa Woods.

She watched as the other woman carefully closed the door as quietly as possible.

“No meet and greet with your fans?” Clarke said mockingly, causing the brunette to wheel around, obviously startled about the unexpected company. She quickly pulled herself together and rolled her eyes herself. Without a word, she turned to a bookshelf and began to read the titles.

Clarke kept watching her. She also noticed how the brunette's lips slowly formed the shadow of a smile and tense shoulders relaxed while her eyes wandered over the books.

“Didn't take you for one to read books.” Clarke broke the silence once again.

Lexa sighed and turned back to the blonde. “I'm sorry, did I do something that upset you?” She asked and Clarke could see that she was much angrier than her calm voice would give away. Suddenly, and again, she felt guilty. She hadn't even once talked to Lexa, and now that she was thinking about it, Lexa hadn't really said anything, at all, to anyone.

“No, actually…” she sighed and put the book on the couch table, “I'm sorry, I just thought–”

“That I'm a self–absorbed ignorant bitch.” Lexa finished her sentence, and Clarke could see a hint of pain crossing the woman's eyes, before Lexa shot her a small, almost sad smile before she nodded and turned to open the door.

Before Clarke realized what had just happened, the woman was gone. “Well done, Griff.” She mumbled under her breath and got up to put the book away and leave the room as well.

 

***

 

The night was restless. Clarke woke up a few times, a thin layer of sweat covering her skin, and when she woke up in the morning, she felt like shit. It didn't help that she would have to see Lexa at their group therapy at 9:30 again. After a few more minutes of trying not to work herself up too much at such an early time, she dragged herself out of bed to get ready for the day.

She took more time than necessary on her way to get her meds and have someone take her blood pressure, but nonetheless, she found herself at breakfast way too soon and wasn't surprised in the slightest that nothing had changed. Her friends were still talking about Lexa, turning to glance at the woman every once in a while, just like the previous day, while Lexa was eating all by herself, just like the previous day.

“Do you think I can ask her for an autograph?” Jasper whispered nervously.

“God, you can't just… don't annoy her, Jas!” Raven hissed back across the table.

They argued for another moment, Raven desperately trying to keep Jasper from embarrassing them all, but in the end, he got up and anxiously walked over to the woman, and the rest of the group watched, mostly in shock and horror, and Clarke in amusement.

A moment later, Clarke's amused smirk slowly faded as she watched the scene. Lexa raised her head when Jasper approached her, and quickly pulled her lips into a smile, but it was obvious that it wasn't real. She nodded when he said something, probably asking her for an autograph, and then replied something, probably telling him to come back later, before he nervously shifted his weight and nodded, and Lexa smiled one more time before she looked back down at her breakfast.

Clarke furrowed her brows. It was obvious that Lexa was feeling uncomfortable in that moment, and once again, the blonde couldn't help but feel sorry for the other woman.

It was when Lexa got up, put her tray away and then shoved her hands into her jeans' pockets before she left the room, her eyes trained on the floor, that Clarke decided she would give her a second chance.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday and my computer works again and BAM – new chapter! ;)

Clarke listened with half an ear while Octavia, a short black–haired woman ranted on about her mother and her brother who apparently thought she grew upset way too fast.

She only snapped back to reality when she heard Sinclair, the psychologist, address Lexa, asking her to share something with the group, and she raised her head to look at the brunette. Not moving an inch, the woman reluctantly started.

“I'm…” she shook her head, still looking at nothing in particular on the floor in front of her, “I'm not really… to be honest, I'm…” she paused again, trying to phrase her thoughts but unsuccessfully so, and a moment later, she raised her head to look at the psychologist, and Clarke was surprised to see that the woman's green eyes held a few unshed tears.

“That's okay, Lexa,” Clarke heard Sinclair say with a friendly voice, “you don't have to share anything yet. But it would be nice if you could tell us something about yourself next week.” He explained with a smile and Lexa nodded understandingly.

While Murphy took over and told the group about his week, Clarke zoned out again, her thoughts drifting off to her first group session. She had freaked out twice and almost broken Murphy's nose because he had kept making snarky comments, and it had taken three carers to pull her off of him. Oddly enough, Murphy was one of her friends now, because no matter how much of an asshole he tended to be, deep inside he was a good guy who just had his walls up high. It also helped that she could relate to a bunch of things that he had been struggling with, and sometimes still was, so she understood where he was coming from in certain situations.

She also remembered how hard it had been for her when the psychologist asked her to share something for the first time. Just like Lexa, she'd had difficulties to find the right words, worrying too much about what she said and what the others thought of her. It had taken her a while to realize that there wasn't so much to worry about, because no matter what the reason was that someone ended up in Polis, in the end, they were there for the same simple reason; They struggled, and they needed help.

And now, most of them were just one big messed up family who fought and comforted each other.

 

***

 

The educational session at 10:30 went by incredibly slow and Clarke was close to dozing off a few times, until finally the counselor, Charles Pike, dismissed them.

She dragged her feet to the dining hall and went to get her tray, before she made her way to their table where Raven and Monty were already discussing an apparently incredibly important topic, and Clarke easily guessed which one that was, so she slowed down. She really wasn't in the mood right now.

Involuntarily, her eyes fell on Lexa, and without realizing what she was doing, Clarke changed her direction.

Lexa's head shot up when the blonde put down her tray on the opposite side of the table and, without looking at her, sat down. Clarke knew she was being watched because there was absolutely no reason for her to sit here with Lexa, but she decided to take a few bites before she looked up.

When she finally raised her head, Lexa dropped her own head in record time when Clarke caught her staring.

“You alright?” Clarke asked and watched with a small smirk as a now blushing Lexa looked back at her.

While the brunette took a few sips from her water to win some time, Clarke used the moment to study the woman in front of her. She knew she was pretty from all the times she had seen her on the screen, but how often do you get the chance to see a real life close up of a celebrity?

 _Damn._ Clarke thought. Everything about the woman was perfect. The plump lips with the little mole on the upper one, the small nose, the green eyes that held more emotions than Clarke could count. She was a natural beauty, and Clarke thought it was a shame that she looked so different on TV, so much make up that accentuated her eyes, in a great way, yes, but the blonde decided she preferred her natural look so much more.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when Lexa nodded her head to answer the question, before she focused back on the plate in front of her.

“No, seriously now…” Clarke asked again, much softer now because the look in the brunette's eyes betrayed her, and Clarke knew she wasn't alright. Although she had been mocking her, more or less, when she first asked the question, she was genuinely interested now. “Are you alright?”

Lexa continued to push her food from one side of the plate to the other and back, before she hesitantly raised her head again and looked at Clarke with a weak smile, and the blonde could see that Lexa was desperately fighting back the tears.

“You know,” she said and pierced a tomato with her fork, “I know that right now it doesn't look like it, at all, but I know how you feel.” When Lexa raised one eyebrow, she quickly continued. “I mean, I don't know how _you_ feel, but I know what it feels like to be here. The first few days are incredibly hard, but I promise it gets better.”

She waited for a moment until finally, Lexa nodded but remained silent and put down her fork.

“You better eat something.” Clarke noted with a smirk.

“I'm not hungry really.”

“Yeah but they're watching, you know, and if you don't eat something, they'll think you're anorexic. And trust me, you don't want that therapy.” Clarke explained with a wink and watched in relief when Lexa reluctantly took the fork again and ate the vegetables.

“Good girl.” The blonde laughed but stopped when Lexa's expression remained serious. “I know you're not in the mood for a smartass advice right now, but please don't lose your humor here.” Clarke said, now serious as well.

Lexa let out a soft sigh and met Clarke's eyes. “I find that a bit hard right now.”

The blonde nodded understandingly. “I know… but it makes things easier.” She pierced another tomato. “Hey what's next on your schedule?”

“Uh… some test.”

Clarke grinned. “Rorschach?” Lexa nodded. “Well good luck with that. Titus administers it and you really don't want to get on his bad side.”

“Great.” Lexa muttered under her breath.

“It's not that bad though. Just don't use any satanic references and you should be fine.” Clarke said with a grin and got up. “Any chance I'll see you in OT afterwards?” Lexa narrowed her eyes questioningly. “Occupational Therapy? … which is more like an art program really.” Clarke explained and she couldn't stop her lips from curling up into a smile when Lexa nodded.

“Alrighty, see you then, and good luck with Tight A–” Clarke coughed, “with Titus.”

She grabbed her meal tray but paused when Lexa cleared her throat.

“Thank you. For… talking to me, I guess.” Lexa said softly and Clarke, still smiling, nodded in return before she turned to leave.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Are. you. fucking. _kidding_ me Griff?” Raven hissed when she finally caught up with Clarke who was on the way to her room. The blonde shook her head and decided to ignore her friend for now. Her friend who obviously wasn't planning on giving up.

“Clarke I'm talking to you!” She hissed again and in the middle of the corridor, Clarke finally stopped and turned to the other woman with a sigh.

“What is it, Raven?”

Raven shook her head with wide eyes and pulled Clarke around the next corner, afraid someone, or _someone_ would hear them. When she was sure that they were out of earshot, she relaxed a little.

“Clarke, what the fuck were you thinking?” She asked and Clarke wasn't sure whether she was angry or actually in a state of shock.

“What do you mean?”

“You _know_ what I mean!” She smacked the back of Clarke's head. “Are you crazy? Talking to Lexa Woods like that?”

“Like what?” Clarke grew impatient.

“Like… talking to her?”

“So I'm not allowed to talk to people now?”

“Well yeah you are but not to _her_!”

Clarke shook her head, she was annoyed. “I talked to her because no one else did, and she didn't seem to mind. And I'll talk to her again if I want to, and you won't be able to stop me.” She pushed past Raven. “We're done here.”

“Clarke, wait I–” Raven yelled after her but stopped when the blonde flipped her off over her shoulder.

Clarke fell face first on her bed with a huff and turned around after a moment. One hour nap time now, then support group session, and then she would see Lexa at their occupational therapy in the evening.

She wasn't exactly excited to see the other woman, but she couldn't deny that the rockstar had surprised her at lunch. She would have expected Lexa to snap at her for disturbing her lunch time and for her bitch behavior in the library the previous evening, or just ignore her. But she had done none of the above. She had been quiet and calm and Clarke wasn't so sure anymore how much she disliked her, or if she disliked her, at all.

The exhaustion of the restless night kicked in and her roommate's snoring slowly sent her to sleep as well.

 

***

 

When she entered the therapy room, Lexa was already there. Clarke would have thought she would find her at the workbench or somewhere else where she could be more physically active, so she was surprised to see Lexa holding a paintbrush.

The brunette didn't seem to be paying attention to her surroundings, and she didn't notice when Clarke walked up behind her to look at the canvas on the easel in front of her.

“That's quite…” she said and quickly glanced at Lexa when the woman wheeled around in shock, “empty.”

Lexa pressed her lips so that they were forming a thin line while she raised her eyebrows, before she puffed out the breath with a smile and turned back to the easel.

“Do you know that meme with the dog in front of a computer that says 'I have no idea what I'm doing'?” She asked, still staring at the white empty canvas in front of her.

Clarke snorted and curiously studied Lexa for a moment. “Do you trust me?”

The brunette turned her head and, with an amused smirk, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Not in the slightest.”

Clarke nodded understandingly. “That's fair I guess. Would you let me try something anyway?”

After a moment of considering her options, Lexa shrugged. “Why not.”

Clarke reached down and took the paintbrush from Lexa's hand, purposefully ignoring the feeling that rushed through her body at the contact. Lexa watched in confusion as Clarke stored away the supplies and led her to the other side of the room.

“Pottery? Really?” Lexa asked and turned to the blonde to see if she was joking or not. She raised an eyebrow when she realized that Clarke was serious.

Clarke grinned, that was the reaction she had expected from the singer. “Have you tried it before?”

Lexa shook her head and suspiciously eyed the wheel again. “Come on, badass chick, show me what you got!” Clarke laughed and picked up the apron from the chair to hand it to Lexa, encouraging her to start. At the reference to her hit single, Lexa rolled her eyes but apparently decided to ignore it.

Clarke explained the basics of pottery to Lexa and watched with a smirk when the woman, after several head–shakings, began to seriously focus on the clay in her hands. A few moments later, Clarke went to get a chair because her legs began to hurt, and sat down on it backwards, crossing her forearms on the chairback.

“So, Miss _I still don't know your name_ , how did you know pottery would be a better choice than painting?” Lexa asked after a long while, not looking up from her hands.

“Well…” Clarke cleared her throat, trying to come back to reality after ten minutes of watching Lexa's slender fingers work the lump of moist clay, turning it into a detailed vase, “pottery promotes a sense of calmness and slows blood pressure 'n shit, so it's quite relaxing, and a distraction as well because you…” she pointed at Lexa's vase, “spend a lot of time on details, time that you usually don't have.”

She glanced at Lexa to see if she was still listening, and her pulse slightly sped up when she realized that Lexa was staring back at her with her warm green eyes, so deep that Clarke was sure she could easily get lost in them if she wasn't careful.

“Anyway. I mean… I don't know how you ended up here, but I have an idea–” she paused when she realized what she had just said. She hadn't thought about Lexa or why she was in Polis, not really at least, she didn't even care, at all. Why was it that she felt like she actually knew something about Lexa?

“… and my guess with it was that you're tired of creating, especially from scratch, I mean most people are under pressure when they create something, and standing in front of an empty canvas… well.” She laughed and Lexa nodded, deep in thought, her eyes back on the clay, her hands gently smoothing out some bumps.

“With an empty canvas, people expect you to paint. With a microphone, people expect you to sing. With a guitar, people expect you to play.”

She smirked and glanced down at the vase, then back up at Lexa. “But with pottery,” she forcefully squished the vase with both hands, capturing Lexa's under them in a lump of clay, “you're not forced to create anything in particular.”

She removed her hands with a warm smile and watched how Lexa continued to stare at the clay that had been a beautiful vase two seconds ago.

“That was my vase!” Lexa said in shock, half playful, half serious, and raised her head to look at Clarke with wide eyes, and the blonde was sure that shocked Lexa was one of the most adorable things she had ever seen before.

“And now it's a lump of clay!” Clarke noted and was relieved when Lexa's eyes softened. She hadn't upset her. “Now you can make something else.”

“That was oddly liberating.” Lexa admitted, surprised herself.

Clarke puffed out a laughter and checked the clock on the wall. “Too bad it's over. Come on, angel with a dirty face,” she laughed when Lexa rolled her eyes again at the reference, “let's clean you up.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Fun fact:** I'm referring to a song in this chapter ([this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlhNk9w97E4) to be exact) and it actually started this whole thing.  
>  Well. I was driving home like six months ago and heard it on the radio and I almost crashed my car right into the roadside ditch because I used the wheel as drums and it didn't go very well. But I survived and started writing a fanfic – the rockstar Lexa Woods who ends up in prison and Clarke offers art therapy and calms Lexa down 'n shit.  
> I never really got inspired enough to finish it, so I used some parts of the plot for _Breathe For Me, Love_ :D Yeah. Well. That's that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wuaayyy it's Monday again and I'll be incredibly busy the next days so I can't promise the sixth chapter will be up next Monday, but I promise I'll do my best!  
> How are y'all doing? Have I thanked you yet for reading? :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter – although I feel like it's kinda short but it isn't shorter than the others and boy, I'm rambling. Happy reading! :)

The 20 minutes she could have used to do the things she usually did between the end of the agenda for the day and dinner, Clarke spent outside the building, craving for a cigarette, thinking about Lexa, and she had no idea what to think about the woman, at all.

The lifestyle that the rockstar was famous for, the risky activities or the reckless behavior, had nothing to do with the way she was in Polis. As far as Clarke could tell, Lexa was just a normal woman who struggled with life, and she was wondering what she was dealing with. Among the patients, rumors were spreading that Lexa had been admitted by authorities, that she was there because of substance abuse, but Clarke wasn't so sure; Lexa didn't behave like a drug addict. All she knew was that the woman hurt, and she wanted to know why that was, or at least what as going on in her head.

So she found herself in the dining hall, heading straight to Lexa's table, well aware of the looks that people gave her, especially her friends, but she didn't care. Without a word she sat down across from the woman and started eating.

Lexa was the first to break the silence. “You don't have to do this.”

“Do what?” Clarke asked without looking up from her dinner.

“Sit here with me. I know people are already talking, and from the looks that your friends give you, they're really not amused about the situation.”

Clarke stopped chewing for a second before she swallowed the bite and raised her head. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“I…” the brunette started but stopped and dropped her gaze to Clarke's plate, “well no but–”

“Then stop complaining and eat your dinner.” Clarke interrupted her with a smirk, but it quickly faded when Lexa's eyes met her own once again. The blonde's features softened when she spoke. “Hey, look… the worst thing that can happen to you here is being alone. And, don't take this the wrong way but…” she stopped and groaned, debating whether she should just shoot it out or not. When Lexa raised her eyebrows in concern, Clarke shook her head and pushed her meal tray to the side.

“Okay I'll be honest with you. When I heard you're coming to Polis, I wasn't excited. I mean in public, you don't exactly appear to be the person I'd want to have around.” She explained and watched as Lexa subtly nodded her head understandingly, so she continued.

“But I guess that just happens when you're a celebrity. People don't get to know you 'behind the scenes',” Clarke said with air quotes, “and um… as much as I… disliked you at first–” she cringed at her choice of words and quickly checked Lexa's reaction, and was surprised to see that the brunette still appeared calm.

“Sorry, but you know what I mean,” Lexa nodded, “well, as much as I disliked you at first, I'll admit that it wasn't that satisfying to see you sitting all by yourself because no one had the balls to actually talk to you. So…”

“So you pitied me enough to talk to me.” Lexa finished the sentence for her and Clarke's heart clenched when she realized that Lexa was serious.

“No, that's not why I did it.” She said softly, “I just think that everyone deserves a second chance…” she laughed and rubbed her face in embarrassment, “sorry, I can't seem to find the right words today.”

“I know what you mean though.” Lexa assured her quietly.

Clarke nodded. “What I'm trying to say is, I know people don't end up here for fun. There's a reason why you're here, and there's a reason why I'm here, and I know what it feels like to be alone here, trust me, I know, and what consequences this can have… and I don't want you to go through this. I…” Clarke paused when she realized she actually meant it, “want you to have a better start here… I want you to get better and not worse, whatever it is that you're struggling with.”

Lexa took a moment to take in and consider her words, and Clarke waited patiently.

“Thank you.” Lexa finally said and Clarke couldn't stop the smile that appeared on her face about the woman's voice that was so soft and genuine.

They turned their focus back to their dinner, or at least Lexa did, while Clarke drifted into some kind of a trance of thoughts, wondering how Lexa, the shy and calm and polite woman in front of her was the same Lexa Woods that smashed guitars and got into fights in the life outside the ward. And then it clicked.

 

***

 

“So there's a barbecue tomorrow, it's not a mandatory thing, you can also have dinner here of course if you want,” Clarke explained while the two women left the dining hall, “but it's always fun. It's once a month and the patients are involved like… you can do anything like buttering bread or hand out plates or cut veggies… with butter knives, which is quite a challenge,” she added with a laugh, “but it's a nice opportunity to get away from this all…” she finished, gesturing around.

When Lexa stayed silent, Clarke continued. “It's also a good opportunity to get to know people… outside of the group therapies. It's easier because there's no pressure at all.” She waited for Lexa to say something but it didn't happen. “You don't have to, of course.” She quickly added, hoping she hadn't lost Lexa.

She was relieved when the brunette finally spoke. “No I– I'd like to. It's just… a lot at once.”

Clarke nodded. She knew it could be overwhelming, especially because, as Lexa had mentioned, it all came at once. One moment, she was sitting alone and didn't talk to anyone except for a few brave souls who actually asked her for an autograph, and in the next moment, she had Clarke talking to her like she was only human after all, encouraging her to try something new, even if it was only pottery, and inviting her to a party, in case you could count buttering bread and eating somewhere else than in the dining hall as a party.

She gave Lexa a moment to process everything while they made their way to the stairs in silence. On the second step, Clarke stopped. “Hey um…” Lexa turned around and looked at her curiously.

“Do you have the doctor's approval to leave the building?”

“Uh…” Lexa rested her hand on the banister, “I don't know?”

Clarke let out a laugh. “Well did she explicitly tell you to stay inside?”

“No, not really.”

“That's good enough,” Clarke smirked and offered Lexa her hand, “come on!”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke sighed contentedly and patted on the empty spot next to her on the bench. “Look at that…” she said with a smile and pointed towards the star–studded sky above them when Lexa sat down. “It's a new moon tonight.”  
From the corner of her eye, she noticed how Lexa raised her head to look at the stars as well. “There… the Little Dipper, that's Ursa Major.”

They stayed quiet for a moment, finding peace in the clear dark blue sky. The silence was interrupted by a soft chuckle from Lexa and Clarke turned her head to the brunette who was now smirking, her eyes still directed upwards.

“What?” Clarke asked curiously, now smirking herself.

Lexa nodded at the constellation that the blonde had described a few moments ago. “That's not Ursa Major, that's Cassiopeia…” the woman explained and pointed at another formation, “ _that's_ Ursa Major.”

The blonde's eyes slightly widened in surprise and she shifted a little closer to see what Lexa was pointing at. “Are you sure?” She asked although she already knew the answer. Lexa nodded and lowered her arm to cross her hands in her lap.

Clarke hesitated for a moment because technically, Lexa was a complete stranger but something about the woman made the blonde feel like she could trust her, so she slowly spoke. “When I was a kid, my dad taught me a few things about space. Seems like I forgot most of it…” she chuckled and glanced at the woman next to her, and she wouldn't admit it but her heart skipped a beat when she saw the soft smile that was playing on Lexa's lips. When she remained silent, Clarke continued.

“We always stayed up late to watch the stars. Even on school nights which drove my mom crazy and she regularly lost it, and I'm pretty sure she and my dad fought a lot about it but I didn't really realize it…” her own smile slowly faded, “one day my dad said he was too busy though, and he kept being busy so I guess my mom won the argument in the end. I think I was 13 when my dad and I watched the stars for the last time.”

“Maybe one day you and your dad can watch them again.” Lexa suggested softly and shot Clarke a warm smile which the blonde returned but it wasn't real, and she was sure that Lexa noticed it as well.

“Yeah, maybe…” she nodded and crossed her legs around her hands to keep them warm.

They fell silent again for a long while, both lost in their own thoughts, until Lexa quietly cleared her throat. “Sorry.”

Clarke turned her head to look at the woman again. “For what?”

“For crossing a line.”

Clarke furrowed her brows. “You didn't… you didn't cross a line.”

She watched as Lexa sucked in a breath, ready to say something else but apparently, she decided against it and slowly released the air instead.

Clarke took the moment to study her. Her eyes were trained on her hands in her lap, and the blonde couldn't help but think how beautiful Lexa looked in the moonlight, with her ponytail which accentuated her high cheekbones and her sharp jawline, and a smile reappeared on Clarke's face when she realized how small the woman's ears were. Before she could stop it, she let out a laugh.

“What?” Lexa turned to Clarke and narrowed her eyes curiously.

“Your ears are really… tiny.” The blonde explained and watched with a smirk how Lexa raised an eyebrow. “It's not bad though! It's… they're… they're kinda cute.” Clarke blurted out and felt a blush creeping up her cheeks.

Lexa puffed out a laughter and shook her head.

“Sorry.” Clarke quickly added.

“For what?”

“For… you know, crossing a line.” She quoted Lexa, hoping she hadn't been too blunt which she knew she tended to be, more often than not. She sighed in relief when Lexa shrugged with a smile and lowered her head again. In that moment, Clarke would have given anything to know what was going on in the woman's head but she had been nosy enough already, so she kept that question to herself and decided to change the topic.

“So…” she said and paused dramatically, waiting for Lexa to look at her before she straightened her back and continued, “are you a cat or dog person?”

“Cat person.” Lexa shot back without missing a beat.

“Oh no.” Clarke said and scooted to the other side of the bench, creating an expressive gap between them.

“Oh no,” Lexa copied the blonde mockingly and tilted her head to the side, “that's not gonna end well, is it?”

Clarke shook her head, her eyes widened in horror. “Definitely not.”

A mischievous smirk appeared on Lexa's face and she provokingly shifted an inch closer to Clarke who immediately backed away. “Stay there!” The blonde commanded, playfully terrified.

“Or what?”

“Or I'll escape, buy a dog and put it in your bed when you're asleep!”

Lexa laughed and raised her hands in defense, signifying that Clarke had nothing to fear from her. “Okay okay I'll stay on my side.” She promised and shifted an inch away from Clarke again.

The blonde hesitated for a moment, unsure whether she could trust Lexa but decided to give it a try. A long moment passed until the brunette spoke again.

“But what about a kitten?”

Clarke shook her head. “No!”

“Fluffy baby cat?”

“No!” Clarke kept shaking her head.

“… not even a tiny one?” Lexa tried again, her smile widening about Clarke whose face morphed into a grimace of disgust and horror, still steadily shaking her head.

“Hey…” she said softly, causing Clarke to narrow her eyes suspiciously but the blonde relaxed when she realized that the other woman was done teasing her, at least in the terrifying way, “if you ever meet a tiny fluffy baby cat I'll protect you, okay?”

With everything she had in her, Clarke tried to remain serious but she just couldn't hold back a laughter any longer. “Promise?” She grinned and let out another laugh when Lexa nodded. “That's really nice of you, I feel much safer now.”

The brunette playfully saluted. “Always at your service.”

Once again they fell silent, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, and for the first time in what had felt like an eternity, Clarke found herself completely relaxed at the calmness that radiated from Lexa.

 

***

 

Clarke quietly closed the door behind her and leaned against it. With a soft sigh, she closed her eyes.

The day had been more exhausting than she had realized, not physically but emotionally, much more than she could have been prepared for. There was a reason why she never fully opened up to people, why she kept certain details to herself, why she didn't want to share personal things with others.

It wasn't that she was afraid that people would use them against her, it was because she was afraid to be confronted with them before she was ready. Not that she would ever be ready, but that was a story for another day.  
So she had buried them a long time ago, safely locked away so they wouldn't reach her, and she had vowed to herself to do anything to not let them get back to the surface. Especially not as long as she was alone, without someone she could really trust, without someone to help her face her demons, without someone who would still be there the next day.

It had taken her a long time to create the person she was today, unfazed and composed, unattached and stable, chill and carefree. Lying to the world and especially to herself wasn't a desirable way to live, deep down she knew that, but shutting down emotions was so much easier. Not letting people get a look under the surface was easier. Staying away from people in general was easier, because what was the point of that anyway? She wasn't even interested in sharing things with anyone, she wasn't interested in getting attached to anyone, she wasn't interested in hearing anyone's personal story either. That's at least what she had kept telling herself.

And it had worked, for so many years. Until now. Until she met Lexa.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Classic case of “that shit kinda hit closer to home than necessary”. I'm talking about the cat/dog person issue of course… ;) 
> 
> My brain has been a mess lately, and I've been struggling a lot with this chapter, so I apologize if it wasn't that satisfying. The last part at least. I've been debating for quite a while if I should delete it again and just publish the bench scene, but it might be of importance later. 
> 
> Anyway. Hope you don't leave me ;) I also hope that you guys had a great weekend and are doing well! :)
> 
> PS: Cute tiny ears!


	7. Chapter 7

“Clarke, would you like to add something?”

“No.” She answered dryly without looking at Dr. Sinclair.

“Something seems to be bothering you, and we would like to hear your thoughts, Clarke.” He tried again, and Clarke finally raised her head, looking directly at the therapist, purposefully ignoring everyone else.

“Well that's not my problem, is it?” She snarled back, she really wasn't in the mood right now. Especially not with Lexa in the same room.

What Clarke had been afraid of the previous evening had happened, she'd spent the night tossing and turning around in her bed, plagued by episodes of restless sleep filled with nightmares. About her parents, about her past, and about Lexa. The rockstar was the type of person that was the reason she didn't open up to people because it hadn't even taken the woman a week to get past Clarke's walls, and she really didn't like it. She didn't know how to handle it.

So in the early morning hours, she had decided to back away before she and Lexa could get closer or even develop something like a friendship. She didn't need that. She just wanted to do her time in the hospital and then go back to her life outside, without looking back.

That's why she and Raven had found each other in the first place. She knew that Raven thought similarly, their friendship was more of a partnership of convenience really. It was about making each other's daily life easier, lighter even, but nothing more. Outside the group sessions they had never really talked about their life before the hospital, they both thought there was no need to.

Maybe they'd meet again when they got out, but for Clarke, it would be okay too if they never saw each other again either. But with Lexa, it was different.

She had no idea what else Sinclair had said to her, she hadn't been listening to him, so she just shrugged and turned her head to look at the tree outside the window, watching how its branches were softly shaking in the cold November wind.

 

***

 

“Trouble in paradise?” Jasper grinned when Clarke sat down next to him.

“Don't test my patience, Jas.” She warned and poked a piece of broccoli, avoiding looking at Monty and Raven who looked back and forth between Jasper and Clarke.

She was glad that Lexa hadn't been in the dining hall when she entered, so the decision to sit with her friends had been even easier. She didn't listen to the conversation the rest of the group were having, instead focused on the landscape she was creating with the vegetables on her plate. Her peace only lasted for several minutes and was rudely interrupted by Raven.

“She's looking at you, Griffin.”

“Cool.” The blonde said without looking up.

Raven sighed incredulously. “Are you for real right now? First you annoy her, then you spend some crazy amount of energy and time on getting into her pants, and now you're ignoring her?”

“I wasn't trying to get into her pants.” Clarke noted dryly but paused shoving her food around when she noticed that the others had completely stopped eating. Rolling her eyes, she raised her head and was met with looks of surprise and confusion. Annoyed with her friends' behavior, she huffed. “What's your problem?”

The group stayed silent until Monty scratched the back of his neck and reluctantly spoke. “Well… what was your plan then? You never…” he paused and averted his eyes when Clarke glared at him.

“I never what?” The blonde pressed, already feeling anger boil up inside her.

“You never talk to people if you're not… you know.” He finished, hoping she would get what he was trying to say.

Clarke slowly put down her fork, now more confused than angry. “If I'm not what?”

“If you're not planning on fucking them.” Raven elaborated and Jasper almost choked on his water. An awkward silence settled between them, neither of them knowing how to continue or even change the topic. A long moment later, Clarke deeply inhaled through her nose and raised her eyebrows.

“… wow.”

That was all Clarke could say. Her anger slowly disappeared while she was thinking about Raven's words. She wondered if people were wrong if that was what they were thinking of her. It was true that she enjoyed, well, intimate times every once in a while, meaningless nights or even just quick encounters, as long as it was consensual of course.

It had been ages since her last relationship, and she wasn't looking for one either, so she stuck to one–night stands, and so far it had never been a problem. Not that she was ashamed now that Raven and Monty had pointed it out to her, but it was thought–provoking.

Especially because sex had never been her intention with Lexa, and that's what shocked her the most.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Jasper. “She just looked at you again. Maybe you should go and sit with her, she kinda looks like a lost puppy over there.”

“Don't let her hear that.” Clarke mumbled.

“Why?” Monty grinned. “She a cat person?”

For a second, Clarke's hand stilled but she quickly regained composure and continued eating as if nothing had happened, and she missed the looks her friends exchanged, well aware that this was a random personal detail that people usually didn't know about strangers, well aware that Clarke indeed did know it.

They ate in silence for several minutes, but just when the blonde thought the topic was finally over, Raven spoke again. “Clarke, seriously. Can't you just… she's not even eating, you–”

“I don't _fucking_ care!” Clarke cut her off, slamming her hand on the table. In an instant, the dining hall was considerably quieter and she knew people were looking at her, but she didn't care. With a last meaningful glare at each of her friends she got up, grabbed her meal tray and turned to leave. She was furious. She needed to relieve some tension, and she needed to relieve it now. One way or another.

 

***

 

A last caustic pain shot through her arm before her knuckles went numb. The bark had left its marks on the soft skin of her fingers until it broke completely. With the palm of her right hand, she absentmindedly wiped away the tears from her cheeks, she hadn't even realized she'd been crying. Her anger slowly faded while she leaned against the tree with the other arm, feeling exhaustion kick in.

Since during lunch breaks, the patients were required to stay in their rooms, it was only a matter of time until someone found her and she'd have to go back, so she enjoyed the silence that embraced her while she still could. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the biting cold November air distract her from her aching muscles.

Cracking twigs behind her brought her back to reality, and she opened her eyes.

“Clarke?”

The soft voice behind her was the last thing she had expected, and with furrowed brows, she finally turned around.

“It's lunch break, you shouldn't be here.” She changed the topic before it could even start.

“Neither should you.” Lexa offered softly. She looked calm but the look in her eyes betrayed her.

The blonde shook her head. “And why do _you_ care?”

Lexa shoved her hands into her jeans' pockets to keep them warm, and a small frown appeared on her face. “You seemed a bit off in the group session earlier, and at lunch you were clearly upset.”

Clarke snorted. “So you're my stalking therapist now? Following me around? For what, shrinking me?”

Calmly releasing her breath, the brunette shook her head. “I went to find you but you weren't in your room, and I was worried.”

“Yeah well my problems are none of your business, no need to creep around and pretend they are.” She pushed herself off the tree. “Let me handle my shit on my own.”

Lexa nodded understandingly. “I know, it's just…” she paused when her eyes fell on Clarke's bruised and bleeding knuckles while Clarke prepared herself for another rant about how her life was none of Lexa's concern, but to her surprise, the brunette decided not to mention it.

“I just thought maybe you didn't want to be alone. It's not my intention to pry, I…” she shrugged and her eyes met Clarke's again, “I guess I just wanted to return the favor and let you know that you don't have to be alone.”

She lowered her head and backed away, ready to leave, but hesitated for a moment and with a warm smile, she looked at Clarke one more time. “I'm sorry for overstepping the boundaries…” she said softly before she turned around and walked away, leaving a bewildered Clarke behind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh for Christ's sake.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, I really struggled with this chapter. Not because of the story, but because there's so much going on in my head and my life, I wouldn't even know where to start. The main problem is that lately, I've been having a really hard time doing anything really, and then the weekend frustrated the shit out of me, and I'm sure it shows in my writing as well right now. Anyway… hope you guys are doing well! Thank you for reading.

“Clarke, you've harmed yourself today.” Dr. Tsing crossed her hands on her desk as her features softened.

Clarke hated her body language. She hated every psychiatrist's, therapist's and any other doctor's body language, they all moved and looked the same. Like their patients were little lost puppies, or very sensitive children who really wanted this pony for Christmas but there was no way they'd get it, so they needed to be approached very carefully to not hurt their feelings. Most of all, and that was the worst for Clarke, they just looked sympathetic. Not in the good and friendly way, but in the _I know how hard that is for you, I wish there was a way to make things better for you, but my hands are tied_ kind of way.

And now she was doing it again with her overly soft smile and voice. “I think you understand why I can't approve your request about the shaver.”

Clarke tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling. “Jeez, I accidentally fell against that tree. I wasn't intending on hurting myself.” She looked back at the woman who had absolute power over her, _hell she could even deny me to go to the toilet,_ the blonde realized. _Don't fuck this up, Clarke!_

Friendly brown eyes looked back at her. “I'm sorry, Clarke.”

Growing frustrated, Clarke puffed out her breath. “What if I want to fuck someone and look like a fuckin' monkey?”

The moment these words escaped her mouth before she could stop them, Clarke mentally face–palmed herself. _That's the exact definition of 'don't fuck this up!'._ She shook her head. Everything was going wrong.

Dr. Tsing nodded and straightened her back, the shift in her demeanor, her changing point of interest painfully obvious. “So, is there someone who has raised your interest?”

Clarke grimaced. She was well aware that intimacy between patients wasn't allowed, and although she was angry, she was clinging to the last bit of self–control to not let anything else slip. So instead of bursting out, she bit the insides of her cheeks to keep back a snarky comment about the number of patients she'd had sex with already. That was _one_ problem.

The other one was that Clarke was known to be indifferent about others, she had learned from early on in the hospital that this was much easier than explaining her complicated relationships, or her point of view about certain individuals. She had almost gotten into trouble once because of Raven, she had accidentally admitted she was worried about her friend, so now she was extra careful. Especially when around psychologists.

Her actual feelings and thoughts about a certain individual were a story for another day, she'd deal with them when she was ready. Which wasn't now. Or tomorrow.

All in all, this was dangerous territory. She had to back off now, immediately, before Dr. Tsing could sense anything, so she shook her head. “No, no one.”

When she looked back at the doctor, she saw that she knew she was lying, there was no way to deny it. But apparently, and Clarke thanked the Gods for it, she decided to leave her patient alone for now. Clarke nodded. “I'm sorry for bothering, thank you ma'am.” She got up and left the room before Dr. Tsing could say anything else.

On her way to her room, she stumbled into someone she hadn't expected to see today. And damn, that someone looked good. Only then, she realized how much she had actually missed her. Clarke sucked in a breath. “Hey um…” she quickly glanced down the hall to check whether they were being watched, before she sighed in relief. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

 

***

 

“Raven, right?”

Raven almost dropped the bread basket, she definitely hadn't been prepared for Lexa Woods to approach her. Especially not with her name. That meant that the rockstar actually knew who she was, and Raven had a hard time getting her spinning brain back under control.

She wasn't really one to even bother about celebrities, but with the one in front of her it was something else. Maybe it was because her songs had saved Raven quite a few times already, maybe it was because she and her ex had broken up after she'd had a wild dream about a brunette where she offered her to be anything she needed, from the bitch, to a whore, to her fairytale princess. She quickly shook her head and was willing to do anything right now to make the dark red blush disappear from her cheeks.

“Yeah, I– that's me, yeah.” She finally said and cleared her throat again.

Lexa nodded and crossed her arms, and Raven wasn't sure whether it was because of the cold weather, or because the singer was nervous.

“You're friends with Clarke, right?” Lexa approached the topic and Raven couldn't help but smirk. The only person whom Clarke was trying hard to push away was asking about her.

“Yup.” She nodded and slowly continued her way to the barbecue area, and Lexa followed her.

“I… she…” Lexa cleared her throat, “she suggested I check out the barbecue thing today, and I… I don't know, when she asked me, it sounded like she would be here too,” she explained and gestured around, “turns out she's not.”

Raven nodded and put down the basket on one of the tables before she took a deep breath. Lexa probably wasn't going to like this. “She probably won't come either.”

She was confirmed when she saw the last glimmer of hope in Lexa's eyes disappear while the singer quickly averted her gaze and let her eyes wander around for a moment. They fell on two teenage boys who were drumming a lazy rhythm with some sticks while they waited for the barbecue to heat up. She watched for a moment, a small smile tugging at the left corner of her lips, before she spoke.

“Thanks, Raven.”

Raven watched how Lexa turned around, and before she knew what she was doing, she grabbed her arm. “Wait, Lexa…” she paused for a moment, debating whether she should betray Clarke like that or not, but she decided it was worth it, just this one time.

“If she's pushing you away, it um… never mind. But if you want to find her, she's probably in her room,” Raven smirked and pointed a baguette at the rockstar with narrowed eyes, “don't tell her I told you that.”

Finally, Lexa smiled as well and shook her head in amusement before she turned around and walked back to the building while Raven's smirk morphed into a soft smile. This was the first time someone had actually asked about Clarke. In a genuine way at least. She sighed. _Don't fuck this up, Griff!_

  

***

 

Clarke groaned and grabbed her shirt on the way to the door after someone had knocked for the second time. Usually, she wouldn't have bothered but she had lost quite a few privileges thanks to her tree punching stunt, and she wanted them back, so it was time for her best behavior which also included not upsetting nurses, therapists or even the cleaning staff.

Tugging down the hem of her shirt, she opened the door. The woman in front of her must have been just as surprised as Clarke was, and definitely uncomfortable about the situation as well, if her body language was anything to go by.

The moment Clarke had opened the door and Lexa realized the shirt hadn't been there two seconds ago, meaning Clarke had definitely been busy until she disturbed her, Lexa's eyes shot back up to the blonde's. And, as far as Clarke could tell, she was trying to hold the gaze and not look down at the blonde's bare legs again with everything she had in her.

“Lexa. What an honor.” She said and tried to sound more pissed than she actually was. If she was being honest, Lexa's timing couldn't have been better. She could finally get rid of that lady in her bed now, with whom the memories were definitely better than the reality right now.

“I'm sorry, I didn't–” the brunette cleared her throat, “realize you were busy. I'll just–” she gestured towards the hall behind her, “get going. Sorry again!”

Clarke closed her eyes for a second. “Lex, wait. Look…” she paused when a dirty blonde woman quickly kissed her cheek before she scurried past Lexa.

“Bye Clarke”

“Bye Niy” she turned around and opened the door a bit more, silently inviting Lexa in. “Look I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to be such a bitch.”

“You didn't?” Lexa asked and Clarke could clearly hear the disbelief that colored the woman's voice. When she turned back around, she noticed the other woman preferred to stay outside the room, so she slowly walked back to the door, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with nothing on but a shirt and underwear, while on the doorstep, a very confused and disappointed Lexa was waiting for her to explain what the hell was going on in her head.

“Well… I did but I didn't um…” she shook her head. “Forget it. I'm sorry but I won't join the barbecue party today, I'm currently not allowed to leave the building.” She explained and raised her hand to show Lexa the plastic bracelet around her wrist that signalized her current misery.

“Okay.” The brunette nodded and Clarke almost jumped forward to pull her into a tight hug. But she didn't. However, she still felt incredibly guilty about the whole situation. It was simply unfair to Lexa. Everything was. Her behavior, letting the woman wait without canceling their date, or whatever it would have been, screwing around with Niylah, everything. She purposefully ignored the voice in her head that assured her that making out with Niylah had nothing to do with Lexa. She still felt guilty about it nonetheless.

“Could I…” their eyes met for a second, “could I make up for it? I'm really sorry that I can't come to the party with you. But what about breakfast tomorrow?” Clarke offered and couldn't stop the smile when Lexa reluctantly nodded.

“Okay…” the brunette said and held her breat for a moment, but then snapped her mouth shut instead.

“But…?” Clarke asked softly, sensing there was more that Lexa wanted to say. She waited patiently, for a long moment, for Lexa's gaze to meet her own once again, hoping that the woman would understand her silent promise that she could be honest with her.

“It's nothing.” Lexa softly reassured her before her lips formed a small smile. “Would you like some company for dinner?”

Clarke quickly shook her head. “No, that's not fair. It's me who fucked up and now can't leave the building, but you still can! You should go and have some fun!” The blonde objected, hoping Lexa would agree. Her pulse quickened when she realized that she really wanted Lexa to have a good time and enjoy the barbecue. It didn't help that Lexa was currently looking at her with one of these incredibly warm and soft smiles. _Digest those butterflies, Clarke! I repeat! Digest those butterflies!_

“I'll see you at breakfast then.” The singer said before she turned around and walked away. Clarke shook her head while she slowly closed the door and leaned against it, closing her eyes. _Fuck._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Raven's dream was about _[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2OD-dV7j_I)_ song. It might play a more important role in later chapters because it's about something else entirely. For now, it just produced a _dream_ about Lexa. Jeez Rae, you thirsty little *.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez guys, seriously, fuck me. I'm so sorry I'm four fucking days late with this update, I don't even know how the hell I was too busy to write/post this chapter since it's the one thing I'm looking forward to every week. Sorry. Apologies. Dishonor on my cow. Kudos to you if you got that reference.

Clarke put down her meal tray and sat down across from Lexa. “You know what comforts me?” She asked and took a sip from her coffee.

The brunette paused chewing for a second before she swallowed the bite and slightly furrowed her brows. “No?”

“That you're a freak like me.” Clarke said and grabbed her fork, incredibly amused about the confused look on Lexa's face, she obviously had no idea what Clarke was referring to.

“Sorry?”

“I mean… we lack the social graces…” she continued but Lexa remained silent, patiently waiting for Clarke to finally come to the point, and the way she cocked her head conjured a smile on the blonde's face. “We're not going home tonight?”

Lexa kept sipping her coffee, expectantly looking at Clarke over the rim of the cup.

“Jeez, Lex. Wave your fucking flag if you're a–”

“Oh God.” Lexa interrupted her.

“ _Thank_ you! What kind of a fucking musician are you if you don't even recognize your own fucking songs?” Clarke laughed, again amused about the other woman's reaction, how she was rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She'd never get tired of teasing Lexa with her songs.

“You know, for someone who really dislikes me, you're quite word–perfect.” The brunette noted with a smirk.

“Disliked.”

“Pardon?”

“Someone who disliked you. Past tense.” Clarke explained. This was the closest she would get to admitting she actually liked Lexa. She watched as the other woman opened her mouth to reply something, but when nothing came out, she closed it again. Before the moment could get awkward, or before Lexa felt even more uncomfortable, Clarke continued.

“You know, I like your music,” she said and averted her gaze to focus on her plate where she was shoving the food around with her knife, “I mean the lyrics are just so… honest. If that makes sense. I…” she paused, afraid to look at Lexa.

She was doing it again. She was opening up to the woman, and she really didn't like it. She didn't dislike it either though. For some strange reason that she couldn't fathom, it felt good. Maybe because Lexa was making her feel like she could trust her, that she wouldn't judge her.

It was when she raised her head to look at Lexa who looked back at her with these damn soft green eyes, her smile so warm and reassuring, that Clarke decided she would give it a try. To hell with these walls of self–protection.

“I um… okay fuck it. Imayhaveallyourfuckingrecords.” She sputtered and really hoped that Lexa had gotten that, and at the same time she hoped she really hadn't and wouldn't ask either.

Lexa raised an eyebrow in amusement. “What was that?”

Clarke huffed, feeling a blush creeping onto her cheeks. “I said I may have bought one of your records. Two maybe.”

“Oh well that makes more sense,” Lexa grinned, “for a second I thought you'd said you have all my fucking records.”

“No, that would be really weird, wouldn't it?” Clarke laughed, trying to ignore the thought that although she should be utterly embarrassed because she had basically just admitted that she kind of was a fan of Lexa's band, or at least really liked them, she just felt comfortable.

They continued to eat in silence, both busy with their own thoughts, but Clarke couldn't help but steal a glance at Lexa every once in a while, and she was wondering if maybe, one day, she and Lexa could become friends.

A few minutes later, she put down her fork and slightly shoved the tray away.

“You should eat a bit more than half a toast…” Lexa's soft voice pulled her back to reality.

Clarke shrugged. “I'm not hungry really.” She hoped it would convince Lexa. When their eyes met, she knew it didn't. The brunette looked down at her own tray and handed Clarke an apple with a smile.

“At least eat this.”

The blonde shook her head.

“Come on, Clarke, I promise it's safe to eat.” She said and held the fruit closer to Clarke, encouraging her to take it, and after a moment, Clarke reluctantly took it and furrowed her brows.

“How'd you know?”

“Brittle nails, dry skin, scarry knuckles? When you know what to look for, it's unmissable.” Lexa calmly explained and again, Clarke felt nothing but strangely comfortable. She wondered why Lexa knew about the signs, and a hint of anxious panic shot through the blonde's heart at the thought that Lexa might have experienced it herself, and the brunette seemed to understand.

“I lost a friend to it.” The singer said and shot her a smile, but Clarke could see the sadness in her eyes.

“I'm sorry.” She said quietly but Lexa shook her head.

“Don't be.” A smile crept back to her face while she gestured towards the fruit in the blonde's hand. “But please eat that apple.”

 

***

 

They spent most of the day together, talking about their therapists and doctors and the patients that Lexa had already met, discussing their favorite books and movies, artists that inspired them, painters and musicians. They ate lunch and dinner together, having a giggle over Clarke's friends who couldn't have been more obvious about discussing how Clarke and Lexa had apparently overcome whatever fight they'd had, until the two women decided to let the day fade away together in the library.

“I don't get why no one ever comes here.” Clarke wondered aloud and plopped down on the couch.

“Hm…” Lexa hummed while she ambled along the bookshelves.

Clarke nestled into the cushions, content with just watching the singer. For the umpteenth time that day, she found herself wondering what was going on in the other woman's head, what she was thinking when she slightly furrowed her brows, or what it was about the book she was looking at right now that made her smile.

She wondered what Lexa's life had looked like before she was famous, what her plan B had been, and what her life looked like now that she was a world–renowned rockstar.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Clarke snapped back to reality and a dark shade of red colored her cheeks when she realized that she had been caught staring. She cleared her throat and shook her head.

“Sorry I… was miles away for a moment.”

Lexa's features softened as she walked to the sofa and sat down on the other side, leaning against the arm rest to look at the blonde.

“You okay?” She asked softly.

“I'm…” Clarke shifted into a more upright position, not looking at Lexa as she spoke, “I'm just… I'm really sorry about my behavior. Sometimes I'm just rude, although I don't really… I struggle with containing my anger, that's one of the many reasons I'm here.”

She paused and took a deep breath, waiting for Lexa to say something. When the brunette remained silent, she slowly continued. “I didn't mean to be such a bitch but I couldn't… I just couldn't stop myself.” She laughed. “My therapist says I have severe insecurities about myself, which obviously makes sense since I have an eating disorder 'n shit, and it didn't really help that you're like crazy attractive–” she grimaced and squeezed her eyes shut, “I didn't mean for that to come out, I'm sorry.”

Slowly breathing out, she finally looked at Lexa and was surprised to see that the woman looked neither horrified nor grossed out, she didn't even look at her in the therapist sympathetic way that Clarke loathed so deeply. All Clarke could see was calmness and patience and warmth, and she quickly wiped her closed eye with her sleeve before the small tears could roll down her cheeks.

She took a moment to calm herself and then let out a sniffling laugh. “I'm sorry… I don't know why I'm such a mess today.”

“Don't apologize for being honest, Clarke.” Lexa said softly, a warm smile tugging at her lips. “Don't apologize for being brave and opening up.” Her smile morphed into a mischievous smirk. “This is no disease, and you don't need a cure!”

Clarke blinked in confusion before realization hit her. Lexa had quoted one of her songs. She gasped playfully. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Maybe?” Lexa laughed and got up, then offered Clarke her hand to pull her up. “Come on Mz. Hyde, let's call it a day.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOYAH! New chapter :) I kind of scribbled it down just now because I felt inspired, but I don't really have time to proofread it ten times because it's my birthday today and I'm already late for my own “party” (which is basically just drinking beer and playing pool). I'll correct any mistakes tomorrow. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm super happy I managed to write a whole chapter today, great surprise – so happy birthday to me. :D
> 
> Hope you like it :)

Clarke was barely able to keep her eyes open, and it was only the first session of the day. She had spent her Sunday in the art therapy room, feeling strangely creative, for the first time in what had felt like forever. She'd only realized how exhausted she actually was after she had finished the last piece of the day, and after a quick dinner, she had plopped down on the bed face first, falling asleep less than a minute later.  
However, her sudden creative outburst had stirred her up more than she had been prepared for, and short, tumultuous dreams and nightmares kept disturbing her rest.

So here she was, almost falling asleep, trying to follow what Murphy had to say, but she had no idea what he was actually talking about. _Don't close your eyes, Griff. Don't close them. Stay awake. Don't fall asleep! Don't…_ Just when her eyelids drooped and she was already halfway to slumberland, the therapist thanked Murphy and directed their attention to the one person Clarke hadn't been able to get off her mind for days now.

“So, Lexa,” Doctor Sinclair addressed the rockstar and Clarke shifted into an upright position, forcing her body to wake up again, “we're hoping you could share something with us today?” He waited for Lexa's reaction, and continued when she nodded her head. “How has the first week here been for you?”

Lexa's gaze wandered around the group until it met Clarke's, lingering there for a moment, before she straightened her back and cleared her throat. “Well, it's been… interesting. A bit overwhelming maybe.” She admitted and glanced at Sinclair who reassuringly nodded, encouraging her to continue.

“I um… I went to the barbecue thing.” She said and Clarke raised her eyebrows. They hadn't talked about Friday and the barbecue at all, she'd had no idea Lexa had decided to go there nonetheless. She knew she shouldn't have been surprised though, especially not because she had told Lexa to go anyway, but she was curious now. She would have expected Lexa to at least mention it somehow.

Sinclair smiled. “That's great, Lexa, a good opportunity to mingle with people here. Did you have a good time? Talked to some patients?”

“Yeah… well, with one. People… I don't…” slowly exhaling, she pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and her middle finger, “I'm kind of having a hard time meeting new people, it's–”

Octavia interrupted her with an amused snort. “You sure as hell don't have problems with that in the real world.”

Shaking his head, Sinclair turned to the short black haired woman. “Octavia, please, it's Lexa's–”

“No, it's okay,” Lexa cut in and turned to Octavia as well, “what did you mean by that?”

“Oh come on, Woods! Taking girls home after every party? You're not very subtle about it. Probably got some help to lose your… inhibitions anyway.” She smirked and wiped her nose with the back of her hand, snuffling sharply.

Before Lexa could reply, Murphy chuckled. “If she was a druggie, she'd be in a rehab center, you idiot.”

With a sigh, Sinclair closed his notebook. “We don't insult each–”

“Oh please, Murph, she's a rockstar.” Octavia noted, as if that would explain anything.

“So?” Clarke decided to jump in and exchanged a wink with Murphy who had asked the same in the exact same moment.

“ _Soo_ ,” Octavia drawled out in a _Duh_ way, “she's quite likely to… raise her spirits.”

Sinclair spoke up again. “Octavia, making accusations is not appropriate in–”

“Are they only accusations though?” Octavia raised an eyebrow while Clarke was beginning to lose her patience.

“How about we ask Lexa herself? I mean she's right here!” The blonde said and lazily gestured in Lexa's direction. “Lexa, are you a drug addict?”

Keeping a straight face, Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke. “No.”

“Have you ever had a drug problem?”

“No.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

Clarke expressively stretched out her arms, gesturing towards Lexa in a presenting motion, and turned back to Octavia. “There you have it.”

“That doesn't prove anyth–”

“Jesus fucking Christ, she just said she's not a user, do you have any proof that she, as you claim, is one?” Murphy exclaimed.

“Well no but–”

“Then shut the fuck up, O.” Murphy interrupted her and looked at Lexa. “Sorry 'bout her, she's kinda frustrated.”

The singer shrugged and shot him a small smile, then directed her gaze back to Sinclair, silently begging him to change the topic, visibly relaxing when he nodded understandingly.

“Thanks for sharing your first impressions with us, Lexa. Zoe, you've been a bit quiet lately, would you like to…”

His voice faded out in Clarke's head as she looked at Lexa who, for the first time since she'd met her, looked distant, maybe even agitated. It was hard to tell because she looked calm as ever, and Clarke guessed she'd been spending years on perfecting this act. Appearing composed, no matter which storm was raging inside, was definitely helpful, especially when you're a public figure.

But the subtle twitching of her jaw and how she scratched along the phalange of her thumb, betrayed her.

The group therapy went on but Clarke didn't listen to anyone, she was too busy glancing at Lexa every once in a while, trying to figure out what Lexa would need in such a situation.

When Sinclair ended the session an eternity later, Clarke jumped up but Lexa was much quicker on her way out and Clarke struggled to follow. She finally caught her at the main entrance where she was just about to open the door, and grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Hey wait, Lexa–” she started but jumped in shock when Lexa spun around, freeing her arm of Clarke's grasp and firmly grabbing the blonde's wrist in one quick motion.

“Don't.”

For a second, she stared at Lexa's slender but strong fingers around her wrist, before she moved her gaze back up to the brunette, who was staring back at her with emotionless and almost cold eyes.  
After a long moment of endless silence, Lexa slowly loosened her grip before she completely let go of the blonde's arm and shoved her hands into her jeans pockets.

“I'm sorry if I hurt you.”

Clarke's eyes softened. “It's okay, really. I just…” she paused for a moment when Lexa averted her gaze, a definite sign that she wasn't in the mood for a conversation. The blonde cleared her throat. “I mean are you… are you alright? I mean no you're not but are you… I don't know, okay? Or is there something– anything that I can do? I could–”

“Clarke” Lexa softly interrupted her rambling and Clarke quickly shut her mouth. The last thing she wanted was to annoy Lexa more than she already was. The singer exhaled heavily. “I'm sorry Clarke, but not now. Not your fault, not your problem. I just…” Lexa stopped while her eyes found Clarke's again.

“You just what?” The blonde asked softly and took a step towards Lexa who just shook her head. “I'm sorry about Octavia, she shouldn't have said what she–”

“Forget it.” Lexa cut her off, and for the first time, Clarke realized how exhausted the other woman sounded. They stayed silent for another long moment, looking into each other's eyes, reading the words which they failed to speak. Clarke begging for Lexa to let her in, or at least not shut her out completely, while Lexa was asking Clarke to leave her alone, at least for the day, before a soft small smile tugged at her lips; The promise that she would come back and talk to Clarke when she was ready, and Clarke understood.

With a nod, she moved away from the door and watched as Lexa left the building.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duuuudes! I know it's not Monday yet but I'll probably be busy tomorrow, plus it's the second Sunday in Advent today, aaaand I just wrote a chapter, so why not just post it? :)
> 
> Happy reading, hope you like it!

Raven stopped dead in her tracks when her eyes fell on her favorite bench, specifically the person on it, and her pulse slightly quickened. Readjusting her scarf, she slowly got going, contemplating if she should say something or if Lexa preferred not to be disturbed. She decided on the latter and sat down, figuring she was right because Lexa kept staring at nothing in particular on the gravel path in front of her.

Raven shifted into a more comfortable position, crossing her legs underneath her body and opened the book she had brought, delving into it in a matter of seconds. She had read it at least a dozen times already, yet it never ceased to capture her.

A few minutes later, she was pulled out of her world of tragic romance and devastating but happy endings.

“Didn't take you for one who reads Sparks.”

Raven slightly jumped and looked at the singer who was looking at the book in her hands, but to her surprise, Lexa seemed sincere and definitely not like she was making fun of her.

With a small blush creeping up her cheeks, Raven closed the book and looked at its front cover, as if it would serve with any answers. “Uh… I um… well.” She mumbled and turned the book around, but the blurb didn't help her find an answer either.

“You shouldn't be embarrassed.” Lexa noted, watching as Raven scratched her undeniably blushed cheek.

“It's just that I feel like Sparks' typical audience are middle–aged housewives that are utterly depressed about their life.”

Lexa laughed. “While that's probably true, I don't blame anyone who's not a middle–aged housewife for reading his novels. He's a phenomenal author. I mean when you–” she paused, then shook her head with a small grin, “sorry, I get a tad enthusiastic about books.”

“What were you gonna say?” Raven asked, genuinely interested in Lexa's opinion.

The singer cleared her throat. “I think what makes him so remarkable is that… when you generally speak with knowledge of the words you use, everything flows perfectly, and that's exactly what he does. And while some words he uses are unfamiliar, it doesn't bother you at all because using context clues helps to figure out the meaning of those words… you just automatically feel smarter.”

Lexa laughed and pointed at Raven's book. “Also, his novels are so… bittersweet. I mean the way he makes the characters go through real life trials is just another way readers can connect and relate to… from undying love after death, to a moment of clarity during a toxic relationship… all these realistic situations make it easier and even more interesting to see which path the characters choose, based on their environment, experiences and knowledge.”

Raven slowly raised her eyebrows. “If I had read that somewhere on the internet, I would've left the circumflex 'what she said' comment.”

Lexa snorted. “Is that what the cool kids say nowadays?”

“Shouldn't you know what the cool kids say though? I mean most of them gush over you.”

Shifting uncomfortably, Lexa averted her gaze. “It's gotten a bit out of hand.”

Raven frowned, not having expected to hear this. “What do you mean? People would die to live your life, you're a world–famous rockstar.”

“That's exactly the problem. I'm…” Lexa sighed, “I started making music because I wanted to make people feel something. And in the beginning, it worked amazingly well. We used to play gigs in pubs and small venues, we talked to people, we had a few drinks with them and overall, it was such an inspirational atmosphere, it was the give–and–take type of energy, you know?”

Raven slowly nodded her head and waited for Lexa to continue.

“It's just… it's changed so much. It doesn't feel like we're playing together _with_ the crowd anymore. It's become a service. They pay, we deliver.” Lexa lowered her head and scratched her forehead before she continued. “Furthermore, the definition of _making people feel something_ ,” she air–quoted, “has shifted from touching their hearts to… activating certain body parts. Which is okay, really,” she quickly added, “I mean we're only human, but the amount of dick pics in my inboxes is crazy.”

“I can only imagine.” Raven agreed but couldn't help the slight blush that was making its way back to her cheeks; She was guilty of having the hots for Lexa after all. “For what it's worth…” she softly continued, meeting Lexa's gaze when the singer turned to look at her, “you still make people feel something, in the touching their hearts kinda way. I mean I can only speak for myself but I'm sure I'm not the only one.”

Lexa shot her a small smile and zipped up her jacket.

“You know…” Raven said hesitatingly, watching as Lexa pulled out her beanie, “you saved Clarke a while ago.”

For a second, Lexa paused brushing some stray hair out of her face, before she slowly put on the beanie until it covered her ears.

“She didn't really talk about it, she just mentioned it in a group session a while ago. She um… it's not my place to share any details, but she said one line in a song kinda was her wake–up call and it was from one of your songs, so…”

She studied Lexa for a long moment, noticing how pensive the woman looked, staring at her hands, watching the first snowflakes of the year softly landing on her fingertips before they melted.

They stayed silent for a while, watching how the snow slowly covered the world around them, until Lexa softly cleared her throat. “This um–” she paused when her voice broke.

Raven drew her gaze away from Lexa's hands and back to her face while the singer wiped away some tears from her cheek with her sleeve.

“Yo, Woods, don't cry now. I mean those are probably happy tears, but don't cry.”

Lexa let out a shaky laugh. “I'm sorry, it's just…” she took a deep breath, straightening her back in the process, and held it for a moment to calm down a bit, “see, this is exactly why I make music, and it's been a long time since I lost hope that someone… anyone, really, would care enough to listen closely and… feel the lyrics,” a small frown appeared on her forehead, “if that makes any sense.”

“It does actually.” Raven assured her, then shook her head in astonishment. “Damn girl, you apparently have no idea how many people can relate to your songs and draw strength and hope from them.”

Taking in the words, Lexa slowly nodded. Almost helplessly, Raven watched as more tears formed in the singer's eyes. “Dude…”

With a weak smile, Lexa prepared herself to reply but instead of words, a soft sob came out, so she covered her eyes with her right hand and slowly slumped down. Raven's arm instinctively shot out to comfort the woman next to her, but she hesitated, because she was about to actually hug Lexa Woods. It shouldn't have bothered her since they had hugged after the barbecue party where they had exchanged a few words after Lexa had approached her, but nonetheless, she was Lexa Woods. Lexa Woods who was breaking down next to her. Raven rolled her eyes at herself and finally laid her arm around the woman's shoulders.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #Rexaisbrotp  
> #Ravenisfriendgoals  
> #IdontknowwhyImpostinghashtags


	12. Chapter 12

“Clarke?”

Taking a deep breath, Clarke looked back at her therapist. “Sorry, I was miles away. What did you say?”

Dr. Tsing nodded with a sympathetic smile and softened her voice when she spoke. “I asked how you're doing today, you seem a bit absent–minded.”

“Yeah sorry about that,” Clarke offered and sprawled a bit more in her chair, “it's been an exh– weird day… week rather.”

The moment the words slipped out, Clarke mentally facepalmed herself. Lately, she'd been trying to appear more unconcerned to convince the psychologists she's gotten better, but honestly she was just done with the therapies, the hospital, the patients and everything else, and she was ready to be released, and saying her day – or worse, her week – had been exhausting, certainly wouldn't help.

She was confirmed when she looked back at the woman on the other side of the mahogany desk who leaned forward and put down the cap of her pen which had probably been more expensive than Clarke's entire apartment. _No, I would not like to elaborate_ , she thought.

“Would you like to elaborate, Clarke?” Her voice was calm and the tone of it alone was almost enough for the blonde to jump forward and rip out her vocal chords. But freaking out and getting violent wouldn't help either, especially not when it had been one of the reasons she had ended up there in the first place. With a sigh, she accepted her defeat.

“It's just been kinda…” she paused for a second to think of a better word than _chaotic_ , which was definitely a negative key term, “not as unspectacular as usual.”

Dr. Tsing hummed and scribbled down a few notes before she directed her gaze back to her patient. “Would you describe your typical day as unspectacular?”

The blonde hesitated and narrowed her eyes. “It… I don't know? Would that be a bad thing?”

The therapist's lips curled into a smile that Clarke could only describe as gracious. “Clarke,” she said and leaned back in her chair, “it's not about good and bad. It's about your feelings, and everything you feel is okay. It's okay to feel something that others might experience differently.”

Clarke mentally rolled her eyes. “Well my days aren't _that_ unspectacular anyway. What I meant was that the last week was a bit more eventful.”

Dr. Tsing nodded and grabbed her pen to scribble down some more notes. “Do you think there has been a reason?”

Eyeing the psychologist suspiciously, Clarke considered her options. She could either say there had been no reason, which would lead to Dr. Tsing diving into theories about how Clarke subconsciously struggled with something, and then she would spend the next eight sessions trying to figure out what it was, while there wasn't anything to discover in the first place, or she could tell her that the reason was a rockstar called Lexa Woods who happened to be a patient in the hospital as well, and who had been driving Clarke nuts for one week now, which would lead to Dr. Tsing snooping around in areas of Clarke's mind that really weren't her business.

One way or another, she was screwed. But since eight sessions of having the therapist trying to get her to talk about the most irrelevant things seemed worse than one session of talking about her actual thoughts, she decided on the latter.

“Well… I've met someone and I don't know what to think of– that person.”

Dr. Tsing nodded understandingly. “In certain situations or in general?”

“In… general, I think.”

Dr. Tsing nodded again. “And what is it that makes you feel this way?”

Clarke took a moment to think about the question. She didn't know what exactly it was that bothered and especially confused her about Lexa. However, one thing she knew for sure was that she had started to actually care about the musician, but she wasn't ready to admit that to her therapist yet. Taking a deep breath through her nose, she shifted into a more upright position and nervously started to pluck at the cracked cuticles of her right hand.

“I… well it… I mean that person…” she cleared her throat, “it's everything. I don't know what to do, I don't know if that person wants to talk to me, I don't know if I should invest more or less time, I don't know if I should talk about personal things– I mean if I should ask personal things or share my own personal stories and thoughts, I… I'm afraid it could annoy her but at the same time, I want to show that she can trust me if she wants, especially because I constantly wonder what happened that she ended up here,” she vaguely gestured around the office, “and… I mean I have a theory but then she acts and reacts so differently from what I would've expected and she's just… one moment she's super quiet and pensive, then in the next she's like really open and… talkative and every time I think I upset her, she's just calm and considerate and understanding when she should freak out and rip my head off, and it… I just wanna know what's going on in her head but I also don't want to bother her. I… I don't know…” she shook her head and lowered it a bit more, which caused her to mumble the last words, “I just want her to get better and get outta here because she… she's a good person and deserves better.”

For a long moment, neither of them said anything. Clarke took the time to mentally recapitulate her monologue. She hadn't even realized that she had switched from _the person_ to _she_ , but it was too late now. She just hoped Dr. Tsing wouldn't ask who _she_ was, although from the look on the psychologist's face, Clarke could tell she already had a very specific idea.

“Clarke, I would like to try something…” the woman finally said and waited for the blonde to look at her. “I want you to write down what you would like to tell this person.”

Clarke furrowed her brows.

“I won't ask you to show it to me, I just want you to take the time to write down what you'd be willing to share with her.”

“Okay…?” Clarke slowly nodded her head, still not completely sure what the point was. “And then… what? Do you need me to analyze it? Or read it to her? Or…” she helplessly gestured around between herself, the therapist's notebook and the door.

With a sympathetic smile, the other woman shook her head. “I don't _need_ you to do anything with it. What I'm asking you to do is to write it down. If you then decide to read it again for yourself, or read it out to her, or if you feel like analyzing it, then that's okay. If you prefer to just write it and then throw it away, that's okay, too.”

Clarke's frown deepened while she opened her mouth to say or ask something, but she honestly didn't know what else there was to say, so she closed it again. Her tense shoulders relaxed in relief when the psychologist checked her watch and nodded to herself.

“Alright, Clarke, unfortunately, our session is over now.” She got up and walked around her desk, waiting for her patient to get up as well, before she led her to the door. “You can take as much time as you need for your homework, just please don't do it because you feel obligated.”

With her left hand, she grabbed the handle but paused, her smile widening. “I think it was a very productive session, I can see you've noticed a few things and worked with them; You've definitely made progress since our last session.”

She opened the door and held out her right hand. Clarke took a second to take in what the other woman had said before she accepted the handshake with a nod and left the room.

When the door closed behind her, she halted and closed her eyes, letting out a long breath. _I want you to write down what you would like to tell her,_ echoed in her head. She clicked her tongue and turned to leave. This was going to be interesting.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're starting to get a deeper look into Clarke's head :)  
> As always, thanks so much for reading! x
> 
> PS: Don't worry, we'll explore Lexa's story soon! I just haven't decided in which way yet ;)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dearest dearies! A very belated merry Christmas, and a happy new year! Jeez, 2017 had just started and now it's over already.  
> I know I know, you always say it's fine if I'm late with updates, but I still feel incredibly bad! 
> 
> I haven't felt inspired at all to write lately, and yesterday, I had tons of ideas but no time, and today I realized I'd have to write a “fill-in chapter”. I don't like to call it that, but in the end, that's what it is. Well – turned out it's much more important than planned, but read for yourself ;)

With a sharp exhale through her nose to finish mustering up some courage, Clarke opened her eyes and stepped into the dining hall. She wasn't nervous about anything in particular, it wasn't like she was going to tell Lexa every thought that was currently racing through her mind. In fact, she wasn't going to tell Lexa anything. At least nothing that had to do with the therapy session she had just been released from.

For some reason she just wanted to see her again, and right now she would have given anything to banter with her, about why Hawaiian Pizza was a curse rather than a blessing, or if a banjo, if played right, could be just the instrument that Hip Hop has been longing for for centuries.  
Or about anything else, Clarke wasn't picky. She just wanted to spend time with Lexa.

But much to her dismay, the musician was nowhere to be seen. Clarke quickly scanned the hall again, as well as the line in front of the serving counter, but Lexa wasn't there. 

Slouching her shoulders, the blonde grabbed a meal tray, got her food and dragged her feet to the table where her friends were already sitting.

“Yo Griffin, to what do we owe this pleasure?” Raven teased her, before another carrot disappeared behind her toothy grin.

“Shut the fuck up.” Clarke mumbled and reached for her juice box, purposefully missing the looks her friends exchanged.

“Okay, Jeez, sorry!” Raven raised her eyebrows and held up her hands defensively, signifying that Clarke wouldn't have to worry about any more teasing. She curiously studied the blonde for a moment before she reached for her own juice box as well. After taking a long sip through the straw, she tilted her head to the side. “Clarke, stop being moody and tell us what your problem is.”

“I'd rather not.” Clarke muttered back and picked up the fork to start shoving the food around on her plate, not feeling hungry at all. Not that she ever felt hungry, but right now, it was even less. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to her friends, the problem was that she didn't know what was bothering her. Was it only because Lexa wasn't there? She would have to show up eventually, lunch time was obligatory.

Clarke shook her head to herself, feeling frustrated, annoyed and almost defeated.

To everyone's surprise, Jasper cleared his throat. He wasn't exactly known for his empathetic skills, but as clumsy as he could be in social interactions, he always meant well, and always just tried to help.

“Clarke um…” he began and waited for the blonde to look at him. When he realized she wouldn't bother looking up, he continued. “We all kinda know what this is about 'cause you've changed a lot in the past few days… it's kinda obvious.”

At this, Clarke raised her head and eyed him suspiciously, so he quickly averted his gaze.

“What we don't really get is why um…” he started spinning his spoon between his fingers, “why you're being so…”

“Bipolar.” Raven helped Jasper out.

Clarke furrowed her brows, so Raven continued.

“You keep jumping back and forth with Lexa. One moment you hate her, the next the two of you are inseparable, and a moment later, you're sitting with us, not deigning a look at her.”

“How am I supposed to not deign a look at her when she's not even here?” Clarke spat back and Raven's own frown morphed into a knowing look.

“Clarke, what's going on in this little bipolar brain of yours?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “I'm not bipolar.”

Instead of a verbal answer, Raven cocked her head, encouraging Clarke to explain what was bothering her. The blonde took a moment to phrase her thoughts.

“I just don't know how to act around her,” she finally said. “I keep wondering if I annoy her or not, I…” she shook her head. “She's just… I mean… she's always so calm and considerate and I thought we were cool, until she freaked out this morning… I mean she didn't really freak out but um… well.”

She took a sip of the juice to win some time, the situation was getting incredibly awkward, and she felt more and more uncomfortable with every passing second.

“And I thought maybe she'd like to talk but apparently, she didn't– which is absolutely fine of course–” she quickly added, “but I felt so bad because I know that if I had freaked out, she would've found a way to calm me down and get me to talk, even if I had tried to push her away and… but she… I mean she just…” she huffed in frustration and quickly wiped her eye before the small tear could escape. Taking a deep breath, she finally looked at her friends again. “I just feel like I've failed as a friend.”

For a long moment, neither of them said a thing, until Monty nodded. “The way I see it,” he began and three heads turned towards him, “you've done nothing wrong. She probably just needed time to figure some things out for herself, on her own. You've only known her for a week, you don't have to know how to act and react when she has a breakdown. You'll learn that soon enough. I don't know if you're aware of this, but you two seem to have a connection.”

Clarke frowned. “What do you mean we have a connection?”

“I can't really explain it…” Monty admitted.

“Well then give me an example?”

Jasper, who had used Monty's monologue to finish his lunch, pushed the tray aside and cleared his throat. “For example, you've kinda made some noticeable progress since she arrived. I mean you obviously trust her… Like, she kinda… helps you with your shit, if that makes sense?”

Raven and Monty nodded yes to Jasper's question, obviously agreeing with what he had said. Clarke however was still lost and confused.

“What do you mean she helps me with my shit?”

“Uh…” Jasper scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably while his eyes scanned the room for a long moment. Just before Clarke could lose her patience because it looked like he wasn't even trying to come up with an explanation, someone sat down next to her.

“At least eat your vegetables, Clarke. I promise they won't bite.” Lexa said and turned her head to look at Clarke who was looking back at her with mouth agape.

Something about the way the singer looked at her immediately calmed Clarke down; Although the brunette had teased her, she wasn't smirking. Instead, the left corner of her mouth twitched into a soft one–sided smile before she started eating. It took Clarke a minute to come back to reality after wondering what had happened that Lexa hadn't even hesitated to sit down at their table, or why she suddenly realized how hungry she actually was, and why she felt like it was okay.

She was sure the rest of the group was fully aware of how she had been staring at Lexa, but she couldn't care less. When she finally led her gaze away from the woman next to her, and back to her friends, she was met with three grinning faces.

With her knife, Raven pointed at the fork in Clarke's hand that had just pierced a carrot and was currently making its way to the blonde's mouth. “That's your answer, sweetheart.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww. :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I've had this chapter waiting for almost a week now, and I really struggled keeping it to myself until today. I really would've loved to upload it so much sooner, but, you know… regularity and stuff. ;)  
> AND, thank you so, so much everyone for **10 fucking k** followers on Instagram! Holy Lord, I don't know what to say, thank you all so much! If you're new – feel free to come say Hi and discuss this fanfiction or other things with me on IG – _[click here](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas)_. :) 
> 
> Now, rambling mode off, happy reading! :)

 

The quiet time after lunch dragged on and on and Clarke was sure two hours had never taken so long to pass, ever, since the beginning of time. She had decided to give Dr. Tsing's suggestion a try, but after a _Dear Lexa,_ which had taken the blonde twenty minutes to come up with, she had given up. So now she was sitting on her bed with her back against the wall, legs crossed beneath her, her eyes following the raindrops that were having little races on the window pane.

Although the soft snoring of her roommate usually lulled her to sleep as well, it couldn't have been more upsetting for Clarke today. She just wanted to have some quiet time, she wanted to be alone, she wanted to close her eyes and to give in to the picture of a smiling Lexa that she knew would calm her down in an instant. But now wasn't the right time to get lost in daydreams, not with Harper's snoring testing her patience. With a puff, she released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, and climbed out of her bed.

A glance at her watch told her lunch break was almost over, which meant she'd only have to endure one more hour until she'd see Lexa in their occupational therapy session, and finally calm down. One more hour, she could do that.

Much to her dismay, the group support session went by almost as slowly as lunch break, and Clarke wouldn't have hesitated to just throw at least half of the group out of the window, and then jump out herself. Something was off today, but she couldn't quite place it, and neither could Marcus Kane who moderated the session. After the fourth of his attempts to involve her in the discussion, which were met with either a snarky response or just a wrinkling of her nose, he gave up, and when the session finally ended, she was out of her seat in record time.

 

***

 

Either she didn't care, or she didn't notice the smile that spread across her face when she opened the door and spotted Lexa who was, once again, standing in front of an easel and was, once again, so focused on the object in front of her that she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings at all.

The blonde quietly walked over to the other woman but paused when she noticed that this time, the canvas was filled with a deliberately chaotic composition of colors. After quickly contemplating her options, she decided to not approach the singer, instead sat down and grabbed a small canvas and a charcoal to appear occupied, but she couldn't tear her gaze away from Lexa's [painting.](https://en.artoffer.com/_images_user/3770/69841/Large/Ruth-Batke-Abstract-art-Emotions-Depression.jpg)

There was something incredibly beautiful about the pure blueish grey background, slowly stained by dark wavy lines of anger emitting from what seemed to be a radiating wound, and she wondered if Lexa was aware of what she was creating, and how much it revealed about herself.

She was so captivated by the painting and by the way Lexa leaned closer when working on a detail, or how she narrowed her eyes and cocked her head when regarding the whole piece, that she didn't notice someone creeping up on her.

“Been greedy lately?”

She jumped when she heard the low voice, only inches away from her ear and whirled around to look at a smugly grinning Charlotte, one of the few patients that still were brave, or stupid enough to bug her.

“Fuck off.” She muttered and tried to not instantly lose it right there and then, but Charlotte seemed to have something else in mind.

“How many pounds didcha gain?” She asked with a raised eyebrow and sat down next to Clarke, who sharply sucked in a breath.

“Charlotte seriously, I'm trying to focus here.”

With a snort, Charlotte glanced at the blank canvas and then at Lexa before she leaned back in her chair. “On what, leching over Lexa Woods?” She licked her lips as she sized the singer up.

The sharp pain of her nails digging into the soft flesh of her palm kept Clarke grounded, but white flashes in her eyes told her she wouldn't be able to control herself much longer. Charlotte was obviously trying to rile her up, and thanks to the mix of teasing her about her eating disorder and the utter disrespect with which she was speaking about Lexa, it was working incredibly well.

When Charlotte opened her mouth again, Clarke couldn't hear the provoking words anymore as the built–up rage broke loose and she jumped up to grab the collar of Charlotte's shirt before she landed a serious punch, a second one following immediately, and then her brain went blank.

 

***

 

When she opened her eyes, she was blinded by the harsh light of the ceiling light above her, and she realized she was in a horizontal position. Instinctively, she tried to raise her hand to shield her eyes, but something held her wrist in place. Before she could start tugging violently, she felt a soft hand on her forearm.

“They're just a precaution.” A calm voice said somewhere beside her, and it took Clarke a second to realize it belonged to Lexa.

The blonde furrowed her brows. “What?”

“They had to use restraints.” Lexa explained softly.

Squeezing her eyes shut, the blonde shook her head, attempting to comprehend the situation, before she turned her head to look at the singer.

She cleared her sore throat. “What happened?”

Lexa's thumb began to gently caress her arm, and Clarke wasn't sure whether it was intentional or not.

“You snapped and attacked Charlotte, then one of the docs sedated you.”

“Oh fuck.” Clarke breathed out and closed her eyes again. She had been doing so well lately, she hadn't flipped out in weeks and she had been sure the end of her stay had been in sight, and now here she was, strapped to a bed.

Her voice was shaking when she spoke. “This is bad.”

Suddenly, she felt Lexa's fingertips on her forehead as the woman gently brushed some stray hair out of her face, lingering at her temple for a moment, and it took Clarke every ounce of self–control to fight the urge of leaning into the touch. A moment later, the brunette pulled her hand away.

Clarke counted to ten to slow her heart rate before she opened her eyes, but nothing in this world could have prepared her for the soft smile and the warm eyes she was met with when she looked at Lexa, and before she could stop it, a small sob escaped her.

“Hey…” Lexa whispered and pulled her chair a bit closer to the bed, “wanna tell me what happened?”

Clarke shook her head, paused, then slowly nodded. “Charlotte um…” she gulped back a sob, “I think she wanted to get a rise out of me.”

Lexa puffed out a small laugh. “Guess she succeeded.”

To Clarke's own surprise, the singer's reaction made her smile. “Yeah…”

“What did she say?”

Clarke's wrist twitched, her fingers itching to pinch the bridge of her nose, but the motion was stopped by the restraints. She sighed. “She asked how much weight I've gained lately.”

Her vision blurred when she looked back at Lexa, and a moment later, a warm tear rolled down her cheek. For a second, the brunette hesitated but then leaned forward and gently wiped it away with her thumb. Before the whole situation could overwhelm her, Clarke continued.

“I told her to stop but then she–” the blonde stopped. She definitely wasn't going to tell Lexa what else Charlotte had said. She shook her head. “And then I just freaked out. I don't know why I couldn't control myself.”

Lexa slowly nodded, but Clarke could see something was troubling her. “What's wrong?”

The brunette took a deep breath and held it for a moment, obviously considering her answer, before she slowly released it, her eyes meeting Clarke's again.

“Do you remember what you yelled when you punched her?”

Clarke grimaced, already having an idea where this was going. “I yelled?”

Lexa nodded. “You told her she had, and I quote, _no fucking right to talk about her like that_.”

With a grunt, Clarke pressed her head deeper into the pillow. There was no way to dodge the next question, should it come.

“Clarke…” Lexa said softly and waited for the blonde to look at her again before she continued, “I've heard you talk about the disorder before, I know it could never stir you up like that.”

Clarke's eyes welled up with tears once again. Lexa was right, they both knew it. Longing for more contact, Clarke's fingers subtly twitched against the brunette's forearm that was still leaning on the bed rail, and with a soft smile playing on her lips, the woman took her hand.

A long moment of silence passed with Clarke trying to muster up the courage to continue, and Lexa waiting patiently.

“I meant you.” The blonde whispered, afraid that speaking louder would make it all too real, afraid Lexa would freak out, afraid she would lose her for good.

Another long moment passed, minutes, hours, Clarke couldn't tell, until finally, Lexa subtly nodded.

“I know.” She whispered back.

Suddenly, Clarke remembered what Monty had said earlier, that the two of them had a connection, and her gaze slowly wandered back to Lexa's face until their eyes, warm green and watery blue, met once again. And it was in this very moment that Clarke understood what he had meant.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has hands down been one of my favorite chapters to write yet. It means a lot to me, so I hope you enjoyed it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Sorry I didn't update last week, but life kinda kept me busy. Pretty sure though that I don't go out on a limb when I say it was worth waiting for this chapter. ;)

Thanks to Clarke's outburst, she had to endure one entire therapy session after dinner which she had to partake secluded with only a nurse in the same room to make sure she was okay, but at least it was Lincoln, a thoroughly good person and she liked him, especially right now, which might have had something to do with the fact that he had sneaked Lexa into the room earlier. But only maybe.

Fortunately, the session went much better than she had expected, and she was incredibly thankful that it had been Sinclair and not Dr. Tsing to conduct it. He was the only staff who managed to call her out on her shit without belittling her, or being disrespectful at all, and after forty–five minutes of basically just talking about Lexa and the conversation she'd had with her, he released her, confident the outburst had been more of a slip, and that it wouldn't happen again so soon.

 

***

 

With a sigh, Clarke plopped down on the couch in the library and closed her eyes. Absentmindedly brushing over the irritated skin of her wrists, she recalled the day. There had been no rational reason for her to flip out, and she was angry at herself for losing control like that. Charlotte hadn't even insulted Lexa, not really at least, and yet it had stirred something up inside of her, and Clarke already dreaded the next few therapy sessions with a passion.

Still feeling a bit groggy because of the sedation earlier, Clarke slowly but surely felt the exhaustion, physically and emotionally, kick in and a few minutes later, she fell asleep.

When she jerked awake, it took her a moment to figure out which era and galaxy she was in. Shifting a bit, she felt something covering her body, but before she could gather up the strength to fight it, she realized it was a blanket which she could've sworn hadn't been there when she fell asleep. With slightly furrowed brows, she opened her eyes and looked around the small library, until she spotted a silhouette near the window. Narrowing her eyes to see better in the dim light, she recognized the person. Not noticing the smile that was now playing around her lips, Clarke quietly shifted into a more upright position and cocked her head.

There was something incredibly peaceful about the way Lexa was standing there, looking out of the window, her arms crossed, her back turned towards Clarke, and the blonde could've spent the next eternity just looking at her. The more she studied the woman, the more she realized how proud she looked, almost royal, with her straight back and the firm posture, and once again, Clarke found herself wondering what had happened her, what was going on in her head, and what her life was like. She wondered what kind of person Lexa was out there, in the real world, what her childhood had been like, and she wondered if there was someone waiting for her somewhere.

It was when Lexa raised her hand to wipe over her cheek, that Clarke realized that she was crying. Before she could figure out whether she should do or say something, or if it was better to leave her alone and act as if she hadn't seen anything, she spoke.

“Hey…”

Her voice was calm and soft, but Lexa slightly jumped nonetheless. After quickly sniffling away the tears, Lexa cleared her throat and turned around.

“Did I wake you? I didn't mean to wake you, I– you looked so calm and I didn't– so I…” she stumbled over her words and Clarke couldn't help the smile that crept back onto her face, she found Lexa too adorable right now, with her helpless rambling, nervously trying to form a sentence while standing there, her hands aimlessly gesturing around.

Clarke shook her head. “Don't worry, you didn't wake me. I had one of those hypnic jerks and I'm glad I didn't actually fall off anything.” She said with a grin and tapped on the empty spot next to her, gesturing for Lexa to sit down, which the brunette hesitantly did.

“Thank you.” Clarke said and wrapped the blanket tighter around herself while Lexa furrowed her brows.

“I figured it'd be warmer and definitely more comfortable to sleep under a blanket.”

Clarke let out a small laugh. “Thanks for that as well, but I meant to thank you for… earlier. You didn't have to stay with me, it… that was very nice of you, thank you.”

She watched as Lexa subtly nodded before the singer lowered her eyes.

“No need to thank me for that, Clarke.”

“Actually yes, people wouldn't… people usually don't uh…” the blonde let out a soft frustrated sigh, she struggled to phrase her thoughts. “I'm not exactly the type of person that's worth looking out for.”

Lexa raised her head until their eyes met again, but she stayed silent, sensing there was more that Clarke wanted to say.

“The first few weeks here, I was a bitch. Like– major bitch, not the grumpy bitch you know.” She tucked her legs underneath her before she continued. “I mean I have some shit I struggle with, but we all do, and it took me a while to realize that. I kinda knew it, obviously, I mean we ended up in that crazy house for a reason but… I just didn't know how the others managed to live here, maybe I was just jealous, I don't know…”

She paused for a moment before she puffed out a small laughter and leaned forward to rest her forehead against Lexa's shoulder in embarrassment. “No idea where I was going with that but… there's that.”

Lexa softly chuckled and reached for the blanket to pull it back over the blonde's knee where it had slid down, before she folded her hands in her lap.

For a long moment, neither of them said anything, just content with each other's presence, until Clarke slowly released her breath.

“Lex?”

“Hm?” The brunette quietly hummed in response.

Clarke turned her head so that instead of her forehead, her temple was now resting against the other woman's shoulder.

“Why are you here?”

She wasn't sure if it was okay to actually ask it, and she would have expected Lexa to freak out and tell her to mind her own fucking business, and she wouldn't have blamed her, not one second. Clarke waited for a long moment for something to happen, for Lexa to get up and leave the room, or anything else, but nothing came, except Lexa's nails that started scratching her thumb; a quirk Clarke had observed before.

“I'm a diagnosed restive depressive.” She finally said, and Clarke was surprised about the firm voice. It wasn't harsh, it wasn't rude or loud, but it was stable.

“What does that mean?” The blonde asked quietly.

Lexa cleared her throat, the nail of her index finger still scratching her thumb, and Clarke wasn't sure if the other woman was aware of it, and if she should stop it before the skin actually broke. She decided against it, for now.

“It means that I'm consistently unsettled, agitated, wrought in despair… perturbed. This subtype typically um… includes features like borderline…ish behavior and an APD”

“What's an APD?” Clarke asked again.

“Avoidant Personality Disorder,” Lexa explained, “it basically consists of social anxiety, and the feeling of… inadequacy. Tsing said APDs consider themselves to be socially inept and avoid social interaction, afraid of being ridiculed, rejected or um… disliked in general.”

The blonde slowly nodded and finally reached for Lexa's hand to stop the scratching. Without resistance, the woman let her intertwine their fingers.

“I ended up here because the restive depressive type is the most likely to… take action in order to avoid all the despair in life.”

Clarke nodded again. She perfectly understood what Lexa meant by _taking action in order to avoid_ , there was no need for her to say it.

They stayed silent for another long while, both lost in their thoughts, with Clarke absentmindedly caressing the woman's sore skin with her own thumb, before Lexa spoke again.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked and gently squeezed the blonde's hand.

With a soft chuckle, Clarke closed her eyes and nestled up to Lexa until her knees touched the singer's thighs.

“I was wondering how a world–known rockstar develops social anxiety, the feeling of despair and ineptitude, and the fear of being rejected, when the whole world worships you.”

Lexa slowly released a breath. “It's not real, you know…”

“What isn't?”

“The fame, the glamour, the glory,” Lexa said quietly, “it's not real. It's Lexa Woods, her band fills stadiums, they're badass rockstar chicks, they're confident, they love what they do. But Lexa Woods isn't me, and I'm not her.” She shook her head. “I mean I used to be, but now, she's just a role I play, nothing more.”

Clarke swallowed back the tears that threatened to fill her eyes. All the time, she had assumed Lexa loved her job, her life, not once had she doubted it. But reality was a different one, and she began to understand that despite all fame, Lexa was just a woman.

“Would you change it if you could?”

Lexa took a full minute to consider the question and her answer, until she nodded. A moment later, she slowly shook her head.

“No, I wouldn't. It's not that I don't…” her head dropped against the backrest, her eyes lazily scanning the ceiling, “it's not that I hate it. I mean I'm a musician, I'm living the fucking dream,” she laughed, “I just stopped writing music to express myself. It's become a job, and I'm not sure if that's what I really want… or how to change it.”

“Well…” Clarke lifted her head off Lexa's shoulder and playfully raised an eyebrow when Lexa looked back at her, “then you better use your stay here to figure the fuck out of it.”

Their laughters slowly died out until the only sound filling the room was their calm breathing, and Clarke could've sworn it wasn't only her own pulse that she could hear. When she looked back at Lexa, her heart skipped a beat, or two, about the warm green eyes that met her own, and they looked even more beautiful in the dim light.

Her fingers itched to brush a strand out of the woman's face, but she stopped herself. Not today.

Instead, the blonde shifted away and folded the blanket, before she got up and offered Lexa her hand.

“Thank you,” she said softly and pulled the singer up, “for sharing.”

Lexa's lips twitched into a small one–sided smile and she nodded again.

Before the moment could overwhelm her, again, Clarke quickly squeezed the woman's hand with a grin. “C'mon, daughter of darkness, time to get some rest.”

With an amused snort, Lexa shook her head. “Can I get an Amen?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a sensitive topic, I get that, and I don't mean to hurt or offend anyone. Anyway, that's an insight into Lexa's story, maybe only a teaser, I'm sure we'll learn some more about her! ;)  
> I really hope you liked that one!


	16. Not A Chapter

Dear people, 

I really hate having to write these lines, but it's only fair to inform you that it might be another while until the next update. It bothers me a lot that it's taking so long, you have no idea how bad I feel about it.   
I'm really, really sorry for keeping you guys waiting, this wasn't what I had in mind when I started publishing  _Breathe_. 

I've been struggling with a lot of things lately, plus I've been incredibly busy. I don't know when or how it happened, but for some reason I can't find the energy to write, nor the time, and my state of mind has been of a darker kind lately, so I'm currently working on… well, getting back on a better track. 

I really hope you lovely peeps understand this and I also hope I haven't lost y'all yet. I promise I'll publish a chapter as soon as possible! I'm so sorry! 

As always, thank you so much for your love and support, it means the world to me :) (not gonna lie; it's kind of one of the things that keep me going at the moment) Thank you so much!   
Remember that if you'd like to talk about a story or something (anything!) else, you're very welcome to hit me up on _[Instagram](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas) _ as well :)

Love,   
NightHeda

 

PS: Also, you're very welcome to leave a comment and tell me what your favorite moment has been so far, and what you'd love to read in the next chapter! :) _… inspiration 'n shit! :)_  



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyy YES! I'm back and sweet Jesus does it feel good, you guys have no idea!  
> Sorry I've been absent lately, a few things happened but I'm back now! Well, I hope I am ;D 
> 
> I'd like to thank y'all for your sweet messages, your love and support mean the world to me and they helped me a lot. Thank you! <3 
> 
> Enough rambling – happy reading, hope you like it! :)

The next two weeks went by without further incidences. Maybe, Clarke thought, it were the snow and the slowly emerging Christmasy atmosphere that calmed the patients. It had been snowing for a while now, so the park around the hospital was covered in a thick layer of white fluffiness.

Together with a couple of staff members, the patients had spent the first week of December making any Christmas decoration one could think of before decorating the place, and now everyone was yearning for Christmas to come.

Especially Clarke had been busy with additional therapy sessions but she always made sure she'd at least spend an hour with Lexa in the evenings. Or two.  
Much to Raven's delight, she also spent more time with her again as well.

All in all, Clarke had the feeling she was getting better again, and she hoped that Charlotte would leave her alone, as well as Octavia who had been a pain in the ass lately, but Clarke had decided to simply stay away from them to avoid any unpleasant events.

With a bubbly feeling in her stomach because it was Friday and she wouldn't have any extra sessions over the weekend, the blonde put on her beanie and pushed the door open, squinting against the setting sun, before she made her way to her favorite bench. Deeply inhaling the cold but fresh air, she sat down with a smile and closed her eyes.

Just like every year, the hospital would hold a Christmas party on the 23rd where the patients could invite their families and although Clarke would've never admitted it, deep down she was looking forward to see her mom again as well. And for the umpteenth time in the past few weeks, she found herself wondering whom Lexa would invite. As far as she reckoned, the Wikipedia article about the singer hadn't given away any information about her family or past even. But it wasn't like Clarke had actually read the whole article. Twice.

The sound of approaching footsteps scrunching in the untouched snow pulled her out of her peaceful musing.

“What's got you all smiley, Mz Hyde?”

The smile on Clarke's lips morphed into a content smirk and without opening her eyes, she slouched down further on the bench and crossed her ankles.

“I get off on you getting off on using your own songs against me.”

Lexa let out an amused snort and sat down next to the blonde who finally opened her eyes and curiously studied the singer.

“Haven't seen you folding any straw stars,” Clarke challengingly raised an eyebrow, “you not the Christmasy type?”

Lexa shrugged and put on her gloves but remained silent.

“You gonna invite your folks over for that infamous Christmas party?” Clarke pressed a bit but could already sense that this probably wasn't Lexa's favorite topic.

Adjusting her scarf before zipping up her coat, Lexa shook her head. Clarke nodded and decided to adjourn the topic, or to just let it rest for good.

“Sorry.” She said softly and mentally sighed in relief when Lexa shot her a quick smile, indicating she accepted the apology.

They fell silent for a while and Clarke closed her eyes again, pretending to be enjoying the fresh air and the sun that warmed their faces, but in reality, her brain was working at full blast, going through every interview she'd seen and every article she'd read about the woman next to her. Not specifically on purpose, but one couldn't exactly just turn on the TV or open a newspaper without stumbling across at least two of the newest news about the notorious rockstar.

But no matter how hard she concentrated on every little detail she remembered, she was sure that not once had she heard or read about the singer's family background, or anything about her past in general, at all.  
Just when she decided to work out a plan soon on how to winkle some facts out of the musician, she felt the woman shift next to her. When she opened her eyes, Lexa was sitting on the edge of the bench, intensely staring at nothing in particular in front of her, her hands tucked underneath her thighs, her leg bouncing nervously.

Clarke didn't have to turn her head to look at the other woman to know that she was nibbling at her chapped lips, a quirk she had noticed over the past few weeks that Lexa had whenever she couldn't scratch the skin of her thumb.

“I don't…” the singer started but hesitated and slowly took a deep breath, while Clarke turned to look at her, “I'm not…” she paused again. Clarke waited patiently, she could see that Lexa was trying to muster up the courage to talk, so she remained still and silent.

Her hand twitched to reach out and comfort Lexa when she let out a shaky breath, but she stopped herself, not wanting to irritate her. A long moment later, Lexa quietly cleared her throat.

“I haven't talked to my family for nine years.” She finally said, still staring at this particular nothingness in front of her.

For a moment, her leg stilled and Clarke figured it was because Lexa's brain was too busy pre–phrasing her thoughts to coordinate the rest of her body as well. It started bouncing again when Lexa slowly continued.

“I never really clicked with Indr– my foster mother, only with her husband. So when he…” she cleared her throat again, “when he died, I moved out and I haven't spoken to her ever since. So no…” she used the pause to shake her head, “I'm not going to invite my folks.”

The brunette didn't move after that and neither did Clarke, afraid to say something unhelpful, afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid to say anything at all, knowing this was the biggest thing Lexa had revealed of herself so far, and it held so much information, so many answers to so many questions that Clarke had kept pondering over, again and again.

Lexa had been in a foster home, which meant that her biological parents had either passed away or maybe simply hadn't wanted her. And that meant that Lexa had had to deal with loss and maybe rejection as well from early on, which suddenly reminded Clarke of the singer's diagnosis, and painfully so.

She slowly released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, and before she knew what was happening, the words left her mouth.

“My dad died when I was 13 and I had a hard time getting over that. It's not like I ever got over it really, but… I mean until I was able to function normally again. Or maybe not so normally.”

In the corner of her eye, Clarke noticed Lexa turning her head towards her.

“Actually, that's when shit started I think. I couldn't eat at first, I couldn't keep it inside and after a while, I simply didn't care anymore, until I refused to eat. I guess it was my way of deflecting the pain. My mom noticed of course, so I started avoiding her, I didn't really talk to my mom for… quite a while, and whenever she wanted to talk to me or asked me to do something, I became aggressive.”

She sighed.

“I developed some severe aggression problem in general. I solved fights with fists instead of words, and I just…” she shrugged, struggling to find the right words, “I just couldn't control it. It was… my brain kind of exploded, I literally saw red, I snapped, I couldn't stop it, I… completely lost it. Regularly … more often than not … always, almost every time really.”

She glanced at Lexa, bracing herself to be met with a look of incomprehension or some sort of abhorrence even, but Lexa just looked back at her with her green eyes, ever so warm, ever so soft, waiting for Clarke to add something if she wanted to.

But instead of saying something else, she just blinked at Lexa, completely dumbfounded, before she shook her head.

“Jesus.” She mumbled, still staring at the other woman.

“Hm?” Lexa hummed and Clarke could've sworn there was a shadow of a soft smile playing on the singer's lips.

“Oh for fuck's sake, Lexa.” She rolled her eyes and let out a laugh when Lexa's eyebrows shot up, worry lines becoming more prominent on her forehead.

“Could you please stop being so goddamn understanding and soft and cute all the fucking time?” Clarke grinned and, letting out another laugh, bumped Lexa's shoulder with her own to take some tension out of the air.

Now it was Lexa who looked dumbfounded for a moment before a smirk appeared on her face, causing Clarke to narrow her eyes suspiciously.

“I'm not liking that smug smirk, at all.”

“You called me cute.” Lexa noted and playfully raised one eyebrow.

“Seriously?” Clarke asked and the only word she could think of that would have described her in that moment was _gobsmacked_.

“I tell you my– oh my God. I just realized Tsing was right, I _did_ develop that aggression thing because of my mom, wow,” she rambled at breakneck speed, “I tell you my story, pour my heart out, bare my soul, almost break down because Jesus fuck that's some serious ass shit–” she paused to glare at Lexa with narrowed eyes when the singer couldn't hold back the laughter any longer, “and the one thing you catch is me calling you cute?”

She shook her head again, playfully aghast. “Seriously?”

With a content grin, Lexa shrugged and leaned back. “Priorities.”

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I've been and still am in a hurry so there's probably a bunch of typos and mistakes in this chapter, but I'll proofread it later! 
> 
> Hope you like it anyway! Bam! Happy reading! :)

 

“Shouldn't you be inside baking cookies?” Murphy asked with a grin while he approached Lexa who was sitting on a stone next to the small fountain in the courtyard.

“Shouldn't you be somewhere terrorizing Octavia?” Lexa shot back and watched as he sat down on the stone next to hers with a smirk.

“Probably, but I'd rather hang out with my famous rockstar friend.”

Lexa snorted and raised an eyebrow. “Friend huh?”

Murphy shrugged. “Well I mean why not? I've saved you right out of the claws of a certain petite black haired woman. If _that_ –” he threw in a theatrical pause, “is not friend material, I don't know what is.”

“Oh yeah, thank God you came to my rescue there, I don't know what would've happened if you and Clarke hadn't been there.” Lexa noted dryly but Murphy could see the flicker in her eyes that indicated she was joking.

Since the musician wasn't known to be the most talkative, Murphy, one of the two people that actually dared to look at her instead of treating her like some divine creature, had quickly learned that Lexa, although not saying a single word, spoke volumes with her eyes.

“Now that's just great.” Murphy grumbled. “I'm trying to sneak my way into your head, trying to make sure you, oh great Lexa Woods, know that I exist, while our dear Clarke has already stolen your heart.”

Straightening her back, Lexa sucked in a deep breath and opened her mouth, ready to dive right into a protest speech but halted for a moment, until she shut her mouth again and slightly slouched her shoulders. Murphy watched with an amused and smug smirk and finally burst out laughing, only laughing harder when Lexa narrowed her eyes to glare at him.

“I don't even wanna know what's so funny.” She muttered and pointedly turned away crossing her arms over her chest.

“Tourette's. Severe laughing tic, can't help it.” Murphy whined playfully and slid down from his stone and onto his knees in front of Lexa who suspiciously side eyed him.

“ _What_ are you doing?”

“I was gonna clean your shoes.” He knitted his brows. “… what did _you_ think I was doing?”

“The same!” The musician nodded and let out an exaggerated sigh of relief.

“Thank God!” Murphy exclaimed. Suddenly, he froze and then facepalmed himself. “Well fuck, I forgot the brush.”

“Good–for–nothin'.” Lexa shook her head and sympathetically looked down at him.

“But while I'm down here…” Murphy started and knee–walked closer to Lexa while Lexa kept moving backwards.

“Lexa Woods…?”

“No?”

Murphy rolled his eyes, so Lexa quickly shook her head. “I mean yes?”

He nodded appreciatively.

“Lexa Woods…?”

“Yes?” She said softly, biting back a smirk.

“My dearest dear of rockstarriest rockstars?”

“Yes?”

“Will you…”

“Yes.”

“Please, be so kind and hear me out.”

“Yes.”

“Will you marry–”

“Yes!” “Clarke?” They said at the same time.

“Wait what?”

“What?”

They both looked at each other, more dumbfounded than anyone probably had ever looked before.

“Marry Clarke? Seriously?” Lexa raised her eyebrows and watched as Murphy got up and sat down on his stone again.

“Well you two seem super close so…” he started but paused, his grin slowly fading. “I'm sorry I didn't…”

“Didn't what?” Lexa asked, serious now; The playful moment was clearly over for her as well.

“I thought there's something going on between the two of you.” He admitted and glanced at his shoes before he looked back at Lexa. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.”

Lexa shook her head and looked away, her eyes wandering over the snow that was covering the flower beds around the fountain.

“You didn't. I'm… Clarke and I…” she shook her head again, “there's nothing going on between us.”

Murphy nodded. “You got someone out there waiting for you?”

He could see that Lexa hesitated before she answered but he couldn't quite place her pause. “No, there isn't…”

He waited for a moment for her to add something but the brunette stayed silent, so he calmly continued. “You should tell her that you don't feel the– have that kind of feelings for her.”

A long moment of silence followed. It was obvious that Lexa wanted to say something but didn't know how, and Murphy contemplated his options; He could either stay silent or even change the topic, or he could speak his mind and risk fucking up. He decided on the latter.

“Do you have that kind of feelings for her?”

Lexa subtly took a deep breath, but it wasn't subtle enough to hide it from him. “I can't be with Clarke.” She said instead and ran her fingers through her long brunette waves. Murphy was well aware that that had not been the actual answer to his question, but it was enough of an answer nonetheless.

He decided to play along. “What do you mean?”

“Well unless I spend four million dollars on plastic surgeries and change my name and, just to be safe, move to another planet as well, I don't see how that could work.” She let out a small laugh that was colored with a soft tone of sadness.

“Just… hypothetically speaking…” Murphy cautiously started off while Lexa puffed her cheeks with air and held her breath, “if you… hypothetically… weren't a rockstar but a… let's say…”

“Penguinologist.” Lexa pressed out together with the air she'd been holding.

“A peng– … right. If you were a penguinologist…” he halted for a second and shook his head with a grin, “would you then, hypothetically, be with Clarke?”

“If I were a penguinologist, I wouldn't even have met Clarke.” Lexa noted.

Much to his dismay, Murphy had to admit that this had been a smooth way to dodge the question and there was no way to ask it again without pushing, so he accepted his defeat. In the meantime, Lexa had gotten up, ready to walk back to the hospital but paused to look at him, waiting for him to look back.

“She's a friend, Murphy.” She said softly. “Nothing more.”

With a nod, he slapped his thighs with his hands and pushed himself up as well. They silently started walking back to the building, the only sound filling the air being the gravel crunching under their feet.

With a soft huff, Lexa pulled the door open and nodded toward it, signaling Murphy to go first.

“Thank you ma'am,” he nodded and bowed, “thanks,” he nodded again and quickly walked past Lexa, “thank you.”

Puffing out a small laugh, a smile remaining on her lips, Lexa shook her head and followed him inside where she promptly bumped into a certain blonde who was carrying a tray with freshly baked cookies. In record time, her arms shot out to steady the other woman.

“For fuck's sake, Lexa!” Clarke exclaimed angrily at the same time and then froze, paralyzed from shock, staring at Lexa with wide eyes, not daring to look down, not daring to look at the misery.

“Clarke.” Lexa said softly but she couldn't stop the amused smirk from forming. “The cookies are fine.” When Clarke didn't move, Lexa gently squeezed the blonde's forearms, still not letting go of them. “Clarke!” She chuckled.

When Clarke blinked and Lexa was sure that she was back in their reality, the singer gave it another shot. “They're safe!”

This time, Clarke was able to process the words and finally, without moving, she glanced down, and then sighed in relief and visibly relaxed when she realized the cookies were still in place. Lexa slightly ducked her head to catch Clarke's eyes. “You okay?”

Clarke nodded.

“I'll let go of your arms now, okay?” Lexa, still grinning, asked again and cautiously let go when Clarke nodded. Taking a step back, the musician turned to Murphy who was still standing next to them, bouncing back and forth on his heels, a wide grin on his face.

“I'll just–” she pointed at Clarke with her thumb and Murphy nodded, “you know…” he nodded again, “make sure she…” Murphy nodded a third time.

Lexa awkwardly nodded back in return and cleared her throat. “Yeah.” She finished her rambling and waved him Goodbye before gently laying her hand on Clarke's lower back to give her a soft push forward.

Murphy watched them leave, then shoved his hands into his jeans' pockets and turned around, smirking to himself. _Friends my ass_ , he thought.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta love Murphy.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tagged the songs. They're important. Kind of. Click the underlined words to check them out.

Rolling her eyes, Clarke puffed out her breath and closed the door behind her, maybe a little too rough. The last therapy session of the day had been more intense than she could have appreciated; Dr. Tsing had kept digging around in the depth of her teenage years, and now that it was finally over, Clarke was beyond exhausted. She hadn't had a hearty breakfast, she hadn't eaten a lot at lunch, and the apple that she'd had for dinner was already digested as well, she knew her blood sugar was far beneath an acceptable level. She'd just drag herself to her room and then fall asleep as sleep often helped soothing the feeling of hunger.

At the other end of the long corridor, she heard the entrance door shut and a moment later, a cold puff of air reached her, sending a shiver down her spine. Crossing her arms over her chest, she quickly continued her way to her room.

On the first step of the stairs, she paused when soft notes reached her, gently swaying through the air, faintly, yet sentimental enough to pique her curiosity. Somewhere, someone was playing the piano. For as long as Clarke had been at Polis, no one had ever touched the piano, most patients there probably didn't even know it existed.

The door to the piano room next to the stairs that led down to the basement was left ajar, and Clarke hesitated for a moment before she carefully opened it, just enough so that she could see the piano, enough to find out who the mysterious player was. She wouldn't notice it, but a soft smile formed on her lips when she spotted a familiar brunette in the dim lit room. Holding her breath, she crossed her arms again as she leaned against the doorframe. The [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-m953W7iKA) that Lexa was playing sounded familiar, but Clarke couldn't quite identify it. And she didn't care. All that mattered to her in this moment was Lexa. The way her slender fingers danced over the keys, the way her long brunette waves fell over her left shoulder, gently swaying with Lexa softly moving with the rhythm, the way she squeezed her eyes shut, the corner of her mouth twitching when she accentuated a certain note.

A small tear rolled down Clarke's cheek. She didn't know what to feel, she simply felt everything at once. Mostly, she felt for and with Lexa. It was obvious how much she was feeling the music, living it even, every fiber of her being was playing the song.

Clarke tried to swallow down the lump in her throat and with the back of her hand, she slowly wiped away the tear, not daring to take her eyes off the musician. A new wave of tears reached her eyes and she gulped again but when Lexa, seemingly unaware of it, started stomping her left foot in the rhythm, giving the song an additional emotional emphasis, with her whole body voicing her feelings, Clarke gave in to the tears.

The last notes slowly died down, and neither of them moved. Lexa's fingers were still pressing the keys, even long after their sound had faded, her eyes glued to her hands, but Clarke couldn't tell whether Lexa was actually looking at them, or if her thoughts were somewhere else completely.

“How long have you been standing there?” Lexa suddenly asked, still staring at her hands, following her fingers as they gently let go of the keys.

When she raised her head to look at Clarke, the blonde pushed herself off the doorframe, her arms still crossed, and slowly walked over to Lexa.

“I didn't know you play the piano,” she said instead.

Lexa glanced down at the keys and nodded, more to herself than to Clarke. “My… dad taught me.”

Clarke watched as Lexa gently wiped off some dust from one of the black keys, then folded her hands in her lap. A moment of silence passed before the musician, without looking at Clarke, nodded her head sideways, inviting the blonde to sit down next to her.

“My dad played as well,” Clarke said and crossed her ankles under the piano bench. “He's tried to teach me a million times but he hasn't really passed the music genes onto me…” she chuckled, “bet that must've deeply hurt his feelings.”

For a moment, the corner of Lexa's lips twitched into a small one–sided smile.

“Will you play me a song?” Clarke said in a light tone and softly bumped her shoulder against Lexa's.

An amused huff escaped the singer. “What do you wanna hear?”

Clarke shrugged. “Anything, I don't care.”

Lexa paused for a moment, and Clarke could've sworn that for a split second, she had seen a smirk flashing across the brunette's face, before the singer straightened her back, slightly raised her chin and gently positioned her fingers on the keys.

The first notes played and Clarke watched in awe. Although it was obvious that Lexa's plan was to make a joke, that she wasn't really taking her task seriously, she still couldn't stop her body from feeling the music, and it didn't take more than five seconds until her left leg was softly bouncing with the rhythm.

“ _[If I… should stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcN0Mx1go7I)…”_

Clarke snorted. “Oh no you don't.”

Lexa smirked and raised her chin a bit higher, playfully serious, _“I would only be in your way…”_

“Lexa–” Clarke warned and narrowed her eyes.

“ _So I'll go… but I know… I'll think of you every step of the way…”_

She let the notes die down, then turned her head to look at Clarke, staring deeply into the blonde's eyes to emphasize the serious meaningfulness of the moment, and Clarke glared back, silently warning Lexa, throwing a _Don't you dare!_ at her.

But the singer just smirked and expressively took a deep breath.

“ _And I– will always love you…”_

And no matter how hard Clarke had glared at her, no matter how much Lexa had been joking, and no matter how playful the eye–banter between them had been, Clarke couldn't help but tear up again. It was ridiculous how Lexa just couldn't stop herself from actually feeling the music, no matter if she was joking about it or not. Not even a minute later, the musician seemed to have forgotten about her surroundings again. There was no Clarke next to her, there was no hospital around them, there was no darkness clouding her mind. Only the piano.

She didn't play the whole song though, and much sooner than Clarke would've liked it, she played the last chord. Also, she didn't let it fade out, but abruptly pulled her hands away and buried her face in them, softly chuckling in what, as Clarke guessed, was embarrassment.

“That was ridiculously touching.” Clarke said with a grin, but she meant it.

“And so not cliché at all.” The musician let out a laugh.

“I bet it's a safe ass way to get into someone's pants.” Clarke smirked and challengingly raised an eyebrow when Lexa turned to look at her, a subtle look of disbelief on her face which quickly morphed into a smirk as well.

“Is it working?”

Clarke definitely hadn't been prepared for that comeback because _Yes_. It was working. Embarrassingly well. Her eyes darted down to Lexa's lips and back up to eyes that, once green, had now taken on a noticeably darker shade, and before she realized what she was doing, Clarke grabbed the back of Lexa's neck and pulled her in for a kiss.

She didn't know how long they kissed, lips capturing the other's, teeth grazing plump lips, tongues fighting over dominance, hands grabbing a fistful of hair, hands wandering, pulling closer, soft sighs filling the room, until suddenly, Lexa, like a scalded cat, pulled away. Clarke immediately backed away as well but kept her hand on the singer's cheek.

“Hey…” she purred softly and ducked her head to catch Lexa's eyes, but the other woman turned away and got up.

“I'm–”

“Don't say you're sorry, Lexa.” Clarke interrupted her as she got up as well and slowly walked over to where the musician was standing at the window.

“I wasn't going to apologize,” Lexa shook her head. “I was going to say I'm not… ready to be with anyone.”

“Oh, I… okay.” Clarke nodded and crossed her arms again while Lexa shoved her hands into her jeans' pockets. “I just thought that… I mean you…” she paused when Lexa raised her head, expectantly looking at her, “I don't know what I thought.”

“It's not that I don't want to, Clarke.” Lexa's voice was quiet and soft as she spoke. “I just… I can't.”

Clarke nodded again and lowered her head, focusing on the floor between them. She knew what Lexa meant. They were in a psychiatric hospital, for a limited time, and it didn't matter what happened in there. Outside, she was a jobless artist, a nobody, and Lexa was a world–known rockstar. They lived in different worlds, and when the time came, when they would finally leave the hospital, they would part ways and go back to their lives.

A long moment of silence passed until Clarke leaned forward. “I'll be here, I'll be waiting…” she whispered and left a soft kiss on Lexa's cheek before she turned around and left the room.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys… I am so, so sorry it took me two fucking months to update this story. I know you said it's okay but I feel so bad, some of you can confirm that. My life has been a bit… turbulent lately and then I had a writer's block. I hope I can update more frequently now. I promise I'll try! 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter. If you feel like punishing me for going awol like that, feel free to stop by on _[Instagram](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas)_. I promise I won't bite :) … unless you want me to. Sorry I couldn't resist ;)

Clarke trudged through the dining hall toward their table. It had been a long night, she had been awake most of it, and she was sure she had never felt so whacked ever before, and the looks her friends gave her didn't help, at all. Rolling her eyes, she set down her tray on the table and seated herself next to Raven who eyed her suspiciously while Jasper and Monty smirked at her from the opposite side of the table.  
Not sparing them a second glance, Clarke started sipping her coffee.

“Just ask her,” she heard Jasper whisper to Monty.

“I can't just ask her!” Monty hissed back. The banter between them went on and when Clarke glanced up at them, she realized they were talking about her. If the nodding in her direction and Raven's _Time Out_ gesture were any indications.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Ask me _what_ , guys?”

“We–uhhh…” Monty began but paused when Raven casually pointed her knife at him and raised her eyebrows.

“Monty told me that Atom told him that Zoe told him that Emori told her that someone told her that you and Lexa made out in the piano room.” Jasper rambled while Raven put her knife down and, grimacing with her eyes squeezed shut, started to slowly rub her temples.

There was one thing that was more dangerous than an angry Clarke. And that was a silent Clarke. And everyone was aware of that. Everyone except Jasper who was grinning at his friends like a child on Christmas. Except this wasn't Christmas.

“Clarke, please, he just–” Monty started but an eyebrow raise from Clarke shut him up immediately, and finally, Jasper realized it probably hadn't been his brightest moment.

They continued eating their breakfast in dead silence until Clarke drank the last sip of her coffee, grabbed her tray and left the table.

They watched her leave and when Raven was sure Clarke was out of earshot, she glared at Jasper. “Are you fucking nuts?!”

“Dude I didn't know she'd freak out like that! She made out with a rockstar!” Jasper defended himself.

“Yeah but _dude,_ ” Raven paused when her eyes fell on Lexa who had just entered the dining hall behind the guys, and then lowered her voice, “she didn't exactly look excited, did she?”

Jasper, completely oblivious to why Raven was whispering, shrugged and replied with his usual, not so quiet voice. “Yeah exactly and that's what would've been my next question – I mean she finally got into Lexa Wood's pants! Why isn't she excited, that's all she ever wanted?!”

Raven didn't even hear the last part anymore. All she could do was watch Lexa making her way to her usual table, slowing down as she got closer to their table, her lips slightly parting, a small frown forming on her forehead. A second later, the corner of her mouth twitched into a small one–sided smile as she glanced at the floor, and then Raven watched as she turned around.

She quickly jumped up and shoved her tray in front of Monty who was about to protest because he was not going to take care of her tray for her, but when he turned around and saw where Raven was headed, he simply nodded. And then he slapped the back of Jasper's head.

 

***

  
On her way out of the dining hall, Raven hesitated. She knew she needed to talk to Lexa but she also knew looking like a mad stalker wouldn't help at all so she kept the distance between the singer and herself as she followed her to the library. She paused on the doorstep, not sure if she should go inside or if that would be too much.

“Lexa?”

The singer jumped and turned around. “Good Lord, Raven!” she rolled her eyes and placed her hand on her chest, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry, I didn't want to…” Raven grinned, “startle you. Turns out I did anyway.”

Lexa let out a soft huff and sat down on the couch.

“I'm so sorry about Jasper,” Raven said as she sat down next to the singer, “he's just a douche who doesn't really think about his words and actions.”

A small smile appeared on Lexa's face as she looked at her thumb that was tapping a soft beat on her knee. “It's okay.”

Raven shook her head. “It's not, actually. He shouldn't have said what he said. I don't know how much you heard but that's actually irrelevant. He just shouldn't have said it. He just doesn't get that his words… and sometimes actions can have consequences.”

Lexa mumbled something to herself and shifted her weight a little at the same time so Raven didn't hear her.

“Sorry what did you say?”

The singer cleared her throat. “I said he's not the only one.”

The reference was obvious but Raven wanted to hear Lexa's side of the story, and whatever else was troubling her. “What happened in the piano room?”

A small frown appeared on the musician's forehead. “How do you know about the piano room?”

“I have my sources.”

“I don't like your smug grin at all.”

“You haven't even looked at me.”

“Are you grinning smugly?”

“Yes.”

“I rest my case.”

Raven snorted and studied Lexa for a moment, then she softened her voice. “Seriously though… what happened?”

“Clarke and I…” she paused while she sorted her thoughts and Raven noticed how the woman's index finger slowly started scratching her thumb, “long story short, she kissed me.”

Raven nodded, well aware of Lexa's choice of words that were saying _She kissed me_ instead of  _We kissed_. “She kissed you?”

“She didn't get into my pants though, in case that was your actual question.”

“Dude…” Raven sighed, “that wasn't my actual question. It's none of my business, I just wanted to know if–”

“Was it a bet?”

“What?” Raven furrowed her brows; She hadn't seen that question coming, it hadn't occurred to her that it could look like that to Lexa. It made perfect sense though.

“Jasper said all she wanted was to get into my pants. I mean I know she enjoys… well you know. But I also thought she's one of those people who don't really bother if a person says no, so her sticking around as unusual… so I was just wondering if it's a bet.”

“It's not a bet, Lexa.” Raven said softly and watched as Lexa's eyes welled up before the singer turned away to look at the tree outside the window.

“She really likes you, you know?”

A moment of silence passed. “I've heard that before.”

“And then what?”

Lexa turned back to look at Raven with watery eyes and a soft smile. “And then I fell in love because I thought it could actually work this time, I thought she was in love with me and not with… the image of me.” Lexa let out a sad laugh, “I really wanted to believe that.”

“Dude, do you really think Clarke is one of those people who just want to be with you because you're famous?”

Lexa ran her fingers through her hair, and Raven could see that Lexa knew the answer to that question. She knew that Clarke didn't care at all if she was famous or not. “I told her I can't be with her.”

The sound of Raven's facepalm echoed through the room. “Can't you just be a normal person and no fucking celebrity? That would actually really help,” she said as she shifted into a more comfortable position that required much more space, so she motioned for Lexa to uncross her legs so that she could rest her own legs in the singer's lap. Lexa wordlessly followed the request and her thumb continued tapping a soft beat on the other woman's shin.

“What are you planning to present tomorrow?” Lexa asked after a while.

Raven furrowed her brows. “What's tomorrow?”

“You know, the _create something special to share your thoughts with the group._ ” Lexa air–quoted the task with her left hand that wasn't tapping the beat.

“Oh God I thought it was something important,” Raven grinned. “I'll just make some pottery and let the group analyze it because I'm a lazy piece of fuck.”

With a soft smirk on her face, Lexa shook her head.

“What about you?”

“I don't know, I… I mean I wrote a song but it's… the first honest song I've written in a long time so I don't actually want to sing it… you know, in front of people.”

Raven's face took on a rather unimpressed look. “You don't want to sing in front of people.”

“Yeah I don't.”

“Right.”

“Raven, I don't. It's personal.”

“That's no excuse.”

“That's the only excuse that counts.”

“Dude you're a rockstar. You sing personal songs in front of thousands of people. It's your job.”

Lexa shrugged. “I'll also need a guitar and I highly doubt they have guitars here, so–”

“Oh I gotcha, fam. Don't worry about that guitar!” Raven smirked mischievously and patted Lexa's back. “Darling, you'll play that song tomorrow.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #TeamRexa  
> #RexaIsBrotp  
> #BrotpIsEndgame  
> #What'sWithThoseHashtags


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait what is happening?! I literally just wrote a chapter. I actually managed to write a whole fucking chapter and I don't know where that came from but I like it. 
> 
> I can't tell you guys how sorry I am; It's been months and I feel so bad for not updating this story for so long. I guess I kind of needed this break (let's hope it's officially over now). Over the past few months, my life has been somewhat chaotic and a writer's block, as I found out, is actually a thing. It's not like I didn't have any ideas, God, no – my head is full of ideas for this story! But I just couldn't find a way to put them on paper, so to speak. But I'm working on it, guys. I really am. 
> 
> Enough of my rambling. I really hope you enjoy this chapter, it's been a while since I wrote anything so forgive me if it's not like what you're used to…  
> Happy reading :)

“Psst!”

Lexa looked up from the book in her lap and spotted Murphy's head peaking out from behind the library door. She suspiciously narrowed her eyes. “…yes?”

“Can I come in?” He whispered.

Lexa furrowed her brows. “Why are you whispering?” She whispered back. When he didn't move and stayed silent, she nodded her head to the empty seat next to her on the couch, inviting him to join her. He quickly slipped in and carefully closed the door behind him.

“What's all the secretiveness about?”

“Pssst!” Murphy said and pressed his index finger on his lips, his eyes slightly widened.

“Darling, no one ever comes to the library that is, may I remind you, at the very end of the corridor on the third floor, where no one ever hangs out either. What makes you think _anyone_ will hear you?”

Lexa grinned and Murphy, with furrowed brows, considered her words. “Fair point,” he nodded.

They looked at each other for a minute, both waiting for the other one to say something, until Lexa released a long breath. “Murphy, what's going on?”

“What? Why should something be going on?”

With a grin, the woman shook her head and watched as Murphy rested his right ankle on his left knee, his foot bouncing nervously. “You know there's this creative thing today, right?” Lexa nodded. “And I'm not really known for my extraordinary creativity,” he continued and stared at his nails, a bit too embarrassed to look at the singer.

“Okay…” she drawled, encouraging him to come to the point.

“And I thought a poem would be a good idea but I'm not really a poet either and I thought since I guess you're a bit more creative than I am, maybe you could help me out of my misery here?” He finished his rambling with an exaggerated sigh, finally looking at Lexa with big puppy eyes.

She raised an eyebrow. “Did you really think puppy eyes would help you here?”

Murphy clicked his tongue and shrugged, his face taking on a much more… murphyish expression. “It was worth a try.”

“Try harder next time,” Lexa suggested and closed the book. “Care to share your poem?”

He reached into his pocket and unfolded a crinkled piece of paper before he got up and meaningfully cleared his throat.

“When my boredom kills me,  
imagination becomes pure glee.  
I go hunting for you,  
with a smile, not feeling blue.  
In other people's dreams,  
Does it work? Can we get beamed?”

He paused and looked at Lexa who, at this point, was barely able to contain an amused snort but she managed to bite the inside of her right cheek and nodded at him, encouraging him to continue.

“Shall I really go hunting for you?  
Help me 'cause I have no clue!  
I like the search, I like the hunt.  
All done here on upfront.  
And now my hunt for you is done,  
Although I smile, this was good fun.  
While I've been hunting for you,  
It did kill my boredom, too!”

He finished his poem with a bow and expectantly looked at Lexa, who was looking back at him, eyebrows raised. A whole minute passed by until she sucked in a breath through her nose and straightened her spine.

“Alright, I see why you'd need help with that.”

Slouching his shoulders, he shoved the poem back into his pocket and plopped down on the couch. “That bad huh?”

“Well…” Lexa drawled, “I wouldn't say it's bad. It just needs a little… yes it's bad.” She laughed and patted his knee. “Poetry might not be your strongest suit, but we'll find something that is. What are you good at?”

“Soccer.”

“Hm!” Lexa paused for a moment, trying to find a way to express Murphy's deepest feelings through soccer, “yeah I don't think that's gonna work.”

Murphy turned down the corners of his mouth, pretending to be deeply impressed by Lexa's observation. “Didn't know you had that in you, Sherlock,” he scoffed. “I thought as a world known rockstar, you'd have solution for this problem, being the master of creativity 'n shit.”

Lexa sucked in her lips, pondering over options that would actually be of help for the picture of misery next to her. “What about senses?”

“What about 'em?”

“What if you express your feelings through things that trigger people's senses?”

Murphy furrowed his brows, seriously thinking about this idea. “Please continue,” he nodded pensively.

“You could make posters or fill buckets with things that reflect the way you feel, for example colors, tastes, smells… shapes… and let the others experience them for themselves. That way you don't have to say anything and you share your feelings with them nonetheless… and in a very intense way as well.”

Murphy nodded and they got to work, finding all sorts of things that reflected Murphy's thoughts and feelings, and around two hours later, they were looking at eight plates of different objects that people could touch, smell and taste.

“Wanna give it a try?” With a smirk, Murphy handed Lexa a plate of raw onions.

“I helped you sneak them out of the kitchen, please spare me.”

“Fair enough,” he grinned and shoved a slice in his mouth while Lexa watched in a mix of disgust and fascination, casually taking a step back, just in case.

“So what's your idea?” He asked between two bites.

“Well I was thinking of– dude,” she took the plate out of his hands and put it back on the table, “if you eat them all, you'll have nothing to show the others later,” and plopped down on one of the chairs in the therapy room where the presentations would take place. “I was thinking of showing them a painting I made the other day.”

Murphy stopped chewing for a moment and then grimaced. “Painting? Are you kidding?”

“What do you mean?”

“You're a musician, like actual musician, and people know that, and you gonna show them a painting?”

Lexa crossed her legs and leaned back. “Precisely my point, I'm a musician and people will expect me to sing.”

Murphy shook his head and kneeled down in front of Lexa, his hands resting on her knees. “Because you're amazing at it. Seriously, have you heard your songs?”

The singer lowered her gaze and focused on her hands that were folded in her lap. “I don't want to force this on them. It would be weird and they'd probably think–”

She paused when Murphy gently grabbed her hands with his own, “It doesn't matter what they think. You're a musician for a reason, you know that. You're a musician because you've got something to say and you're brave enough to share it with, well, the world actually and people love you for this.”

He laid his hand back on her knee, “I think you should show them what you've got, there's no need to hide it because you're ridiculously talented and, if I may add, incredibly kind as well. No one will think it's weird.”

Lexa took a deep breath and held it for a moment, then slowly released it while her eyes met Murphy's again. “Thank you. I kinda needed that.”

“Will you think about singin' us a song?”

With a genuine smile, she nodded.

Murphy, obviously pleased with himself, patted her knees and got up. “That's my girl!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creds to _Tink_ for this brilliant poem. :D


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'sup my lovely, lovely readers whom I can't thank enough for reading the products of my utterly messy brain? I might be a little tipsy but I swear, I'm so thankful, I can't even find words to express how thankful I am that you're still here. It's just… thank you so much! Don't mind me being a mushy mess about your love and support.  
> Also, this chapter… I'm… Lexa… she… CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST HUG HER FOR FUCK'S SAKE! #Ivolunteer

Clarke's leg was bouncing impatiently while she waited for Octavia to finish her presentation which was a hip hop dance, and no matter how hard Clarke was trying to figure out what it meant, she actually had no idea if the way the short woman wheeled and stomped around meant she was really into it, or if she was just really mad.  
Two and a half minutes later, Octavia threw herself on the floor and Clarke guessed this was supposed to be a dramatic ending to a dramatic performance. With a relieved sigh, the blonde joined the other patients in the polite applause.

While Sinclair thanked Octavia for her presentation, Raven leaned over and nudged Clarke to get her attention.

“Was that a dance or is she upset?”

Clarke shook her head, “No idea.”

Raven nodded. “Who's next?”

“No idea.”

Raven nodded again and leaned back in her seat, crossing her ankles under the chair in front of her. A moment later, Sinclair dismissed Octavia from the small improvised stage, which was basically just a few pallets with a carpet on them to make it look a bit more inviting and a bit less like a warehouse, and turned back to the audience with a wide grin.

“Thank you Octavia, that was quite – striking.” The patients chuckled at his choice of words and Clarke couldn't help but grin as well. “I'm really looking forward to our next act, not because of the one performing it, but because I'd like to know where she found that guitar,” Sinclair grinned and expectantly raised his eyebrows. Clarke looked around with narrowed eyes and spotted the guitar, and she couldn't deny that she was surprised to see that Lexa was the one holding it.

“Where the hell did she get that guitar from?” Clarke whispered to Raven who just shrugged, but the smug smirk betrayed her. “Raven…? Where the hell did you get this guitar from?” She hissed and again, Raven just shrugged. Shaking her head, Clarke turned back to the stage where Lexa was currently sitting down on a barstool. Once again, she found herself in complete awe of the singer and she hadn't even started yet. She was just sitting there, tuning the guitar like it was the easiest thing in the world while Clarke struggled to tell the difference between a cajon and a bongo.

“God she's so cool! Look at her!” Raven whispered and Clarke turned her head to look at the woman next to her, and furrowed her brows with a smile in some kind of disbelief. It's been weeks, months even since Lexa had come to Polis and Raven was still fangirling over the rockstar. Not that Clarke could blame her because she was stunning indeed with her black ripped skinny jeans and the simple white rolled sleeves t–shirt.

“ _Look_ at her!” Raven whispered again.

“Trust me, I am.”

Before Raven could reply, Sinclair announced the next performance while Lexa adjusted her bracelet and took the plectrum. Clarke wasn't sure, but it looked like Lexa's hand was slightly shaking.

“Thank you,” Lexa said politely when Sinclair wished her good luck. “I wasn't sure what to do today,” she admitted while she tuned the last two strings. “I thought about showing you a painting but I'm not sure I'm really feeling it, and the task was to create something to express our feelings, so…” she paused to check the bottom string again, “so I wrote a song. It's about, well, how fucked up I am.” She chuckled, her cheeks slightly blushing, and a few patients chuckled as well. “However, it's not the song I'm performing today. I decided to share a song that I wrote a few weeks ago, the first honest song I've written in ages and… yeah. Well. There's that.”

She glanced at Sinclair. “Sorry, I don't know what else to say.”

“That's okay! You don't have to say anything else, Lexa. Start whenever you're ready!” He assured her from his seat in the last row.

She nodded and then let her eyes wander around the room, lingering somewhere for a few seconds and Clarke curiously turned to where Lexa was looking. When she realized it was Niylah, she furrowed her brows. The moment the woman realized Lexa was looking at her, she averted her gaze in record time, and before Clarke could figure out what this had been about, she heard the first notes of the song.

“ _I got a girl crush,_  
_I hate to admit it but_  
_I got a heart rush,  
__It ain't slowin' down”_

Clarke felt her own heart starting to beat faster. This was definitely confusing. Why had Lexa looked at Niylah, way too long for it to just be a glance? And now she had decided to sing this song instead, exactly knowing the lyrics, and yet she had looked at Niylah? Clarke's head was spinning. That's why she wasn't ready to be with her? Because she was having feelings for Niylah? The woman that Clarke had been intimate with? Why had she kissed her like _that_ in the first place then?

Clarke crossed her arms and clenched her fists as hard as she could.

“ _I got it real bad,_  
_Want everything she has,  
__That smile and the midnight laugh she's givin' you now.”_

Lexa's eyes were still closed when she softly dove into the chorus, and it was starting to be too much for Clarke. Over the past few weeks she definitely had developed feelings for the musician, and although she kept denying it, deep down she knew it had happened. And until now, she had thought that Lexa might have feelings for her as well. And now, the musician was singing about how she had a crush on someone who wasn't Clarke, but at the same time, she looked beautiful, and the amount of feelings that Lexa poured into the song overwhelmed Clarke. She took a deep breath and focused back on Lexa.

“ _And I wanna taste her lips,_  
_Yeah 'cause they taste like you,_  
_And I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume,_  
_And I want her long blonde hair,_  
_And I want her magic touch,  
__Yeah because maybe then you'd want me just as much”_

Raven nudged her ribs and whispered, “Does she know you've been screwing around with Niylah?”

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, and Raven nodded in return. “Makes sense then.”

“What?” Clarke whispered back but Raven shook her head and turned back to Lexa.

“ _And I don't get no sleep,_  
_I can't get no peace,_  
_Thinkin' about her under your bed sheets,_  
_The way that she's whisperin',_  
_The way that she's pullin' you in,_  
_Lord knows I've tried,  
__I can't get her off my mind”_

When Lexa opened her eyes, she looked right at Clarke, staring so intensely that Clarke tried desperately to look away but she couldn't. At one point during the second verse, it had hit her that Lexa wasn't crushing on Niylah, at all.

“ _And I wanna taste her lips,  
__Yeah 'cause they taste like you”_

She was seriously struggling to understand what was happening. Was Lexa actually telling her she liked her back, in front of everyone?

“ _And I want her magic touch,  
__Yeah because maybe then you'd want me just as much”_

Lexa's gaze was still directed at her, her deep green eyes looking right into the depth of her soul, and Clarke had never felt so vulnerable before in her life. She knew that music could touch someone's soul, but the way Lexa was touching hers was a whole new level. And even if it hadn't been about the situation between the two of them, Clarke was sure she would still be in complete awe because damn, Lexa really felt the music, every fiber of her being was living it.

She let the last note fade out with a soft vibrato in her voice, and finally, she looked away from Clarke and glanced at Sinclair with a hint of uncertainty in her eyes.

The audience remained silent, none of them daring to make a sound, until Sinclair nodded at Lexa and started clapping, and finally, the others joined in. While the therapist made his way to the stage, Lexa, as if nothing had happened, hopped off the stool and shot the other patients a quick smile while they were still cheering, and whispered something in Sinclair's ear, probably telling him how she got the guitar. A second later, he raised one eyebrow at Raven but then gave her a thumbs up, and she grinned back at him.

While the next patient prepared his presentation, Raven leaned closer to Clarke again. “Dude, are you aware she just sang you a song?”

“I don't know if–”

“Oh please,” Raven interrupted, “it was painfully obvious! And going by the look on her face while she sang it, she actually likes you just as much as you like her. I mean you've obviously hurt her, but–”

“Raven!” Clarke hissed but her friend silenced her with an index finger on her lips and continued.

“But the song was actually beautiful and I think that whatever the problem is, you two should overcome it and make sweet babies together.”

“Raven, _goddamnit_!” Clarke hissed again, hoping Lexa hadn't heard anything her friend had said but the singer was currently talking to Murphy on the other side of the room. “Are you done now?” The blonde asked and clicked her tongue in annoyance when Raven shook her head.

“What I'm saying is you two need to talk. You love her, and she obviously–”

“I don't love her.”

Raven rolled her eyes, “Clarke, please.”

And Clarke couldn't deny that Raven was right. She knew it, Raven knew it, and everyone else probably knew it, as well. She just wasn't sure if Lexa actually did, too. Either way, she had to talk to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me you're dying to hear the song Lexa played. Oh you are? How convenient because I've got a link! [Click here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0HQ913L5I4) ;)  
> (I recommend listening with headphones and closing your eyes and just, you know, picturing Lexa singing it.)  
> I hope I can find some free time soon to write the next chapter because shit's. about. to go. down.  
> …  
> Kind of. Maybe. Soon. I guess.


End file.
